Facing my fear ; today's reflections on childhood trauma

I have to face a big dental procedure in around an hour. One of my back teeth needs to be removed as it had a crown and they removed it a short while ago to find decay. I had to make a choice, go through referral to another specialist who would put a crown on it again and possibly lose it further down the track or have it taken out. That’s all well and good but I wear denture now, as I am missing the three front teeth and this tooth is quite wide so when it comes out its going to affect the wearing of my denture. I really had to stay with and listen to my fearful self this morning and then my angry self got triggered as a lot of this started with Mum deciding I needed braces to correct, what to me, don’t look like badly bucked teeth, and as some of you know I have had substantial head trauma and having dental is a feat of endurance with my PTSD. I honestly felt like pulling the pin on it yesterday but I texted to confirm as I know I have to face up to it at some stage and its better to get it done, a very loving and firm but comforting adult presence showed up for me today to listen to the fear but not allow to block my necessary action for better health.

I feel emotional now just being able to pour all of this out here, earlier on I was so angry and crying about all I went through as a child and at the hands of my mother, later in life she admitted to my niece in law that she wasn’t a good parent and struggled to help me with my sensitivity, it all came up in therapy yesterday and I am sorry to write this, but sometimes I just wish she had aborted me and maybe its why I have had six termination of pregnancy myself in my life. Mum and Dad were not equipped to care for my needs or feelings growing up and I am not going to deny it any more, just to make myself wrong. I am sick of copping the shit for something I didn’t choose, ie to bring a child into the world who was an ‘accident.’

Now I have got that all of my chest I can admit that I know I have a right to be here. I have a purpose and that is to honest about the impact of my emotional neglect. I wont hold onto any anger with my parents as that will only end up hurting me, I want to both acknowledged it and let it go.. they honestly did the best they could but I got less than any of my other siblings and most especially my brother who was so bonded and close to Dad, he could never in a million years know what it was to grow up as the youngest, that said I know he carries things and struggles too at times with self care and often overdoes it with his body.

The fact is I was born into a crushing culture where the inner feminine was under substantial threat. I am so enjoying Alan Cummings autobiography where he speaks of his relationship with his grandmother saying that while the rest of the family laughed at him and put him down, or devalued him, she always loved and supported him for who he was and allowed him to be silly and have fun. I want to share that particular part of his book in a blog post soon. When she died he and his partner go and jump up and down on the suspension bridge close to where she lived in memory of when she did this with Alan and his brother Tom.

Sadly, I had no loving grandparent. My older sister let me have fun but there was alcohol involved and after defending my sister for years I also know she struggled not to have her own creativity repressed and often over did things. But she also had a sense of fun and life and spontenatiy that my far older parents repressed, not that it wasn’t there, its just we did stuff they thought was fun but was boring and deadly and hurt me and was no fun for me. I got injured on several holidays due to their own neglect or carelessness. The one happy memory I have of coast trips was riding the Cha Cha at the fair with my Dad or playing patience, but that came with Dad’s own serious sense of solitariness and self focus.

I remember my past partner saying to his family how joyless it was living with me as a partner, because of my past I had so many fears and such suppressed anger and he also showed no interest in what interested me, putting down my interest in astrology and psychology. I stuck with him putting my emotions down and devaluing me for so many years and then blamed myself for our break up and for sure my history played a part but at that stage I was trying my hardest to address it.

Anyway I am forcing myself to eat some lunch before this procedure. I need to leave in 15 minutes and I haven’t walked Jasper yet and at the moment he is looking at me beseechingly knowing something is up. I stopped while writing this a while ago and burst into tears giving his ears a tickle, the most fun I have is with him, in our free, unbridled moments when we touch base with free movement on our walks and I gain joy in seeing him run full throttle through a green field with his ears flying. I think I have been a good dog Mum despite the fact Dad always told me I didn’t have what it takes to care for a pet. Only ever got put down, not encouraged and that kind of treatment left a lasting legacy deep inside of me. In therapy yesterday Kat said its no wonder I struggle to know what I truly want and to let myself have joy and good things, I just never got helped to find the way to embrace myself…. so at age 57 I am now having to learn how to do that more myself, for I no longer want this joyless legacy of guilt and sadness and misplaced obligation for family karma to possess my waking moments. Surely it is time to enjoy life once I recuperate from the upcoming dental surgery.

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