Overwhelm and carried pain : today’s reflections

Has anyone else felt a major shift since the full moon of Friday (which was also a lunar eclipse) and the Saturn Pluto conjunction meeting the Sun over the past few days? It marks the end of one huge cycle and the full moon often casts buried energies or realisations into sharper focus or relief. Well for me it was major with my natal Saturn Mars Moon which seems to reflect the ancestral inheritance of having to push push push through incredibly emotionally tough situations.

Today my ancestor Thomas came to me in meditation and told me of his own overwhelm but it was yesterday when I arrived at therapy that I had the sense of watching my self as a small being being tossed about on this wild ocean with a very small makeshift cobbled together life raft, not really feeling I had the capacity to steer it in any direction at all, but never the less having managed to stay afloat somehow. I was crying with Kat and saying how tired I feel and how overwhelmed in my house and with the conflict last week with our family friend trying to push me to make a decision about this second property I am to have signed over to me, all my emotions of helplessness and sadness and loneliness as well as those deep feelings of being so emotionally abandoned by my siblings after Mum’s death just rose up like a wave. I know I am not really in a clear place to make decisions about moving or not moving right now. There is stuff to get fixed up in this place and there is really no need to hurry on the second property.

It took going to an OA meeting during which there was brilliant sharing on pausing and making slower more conscious decisions, not as ruled by urgency and fear that made me realise this person is really very addictive herself in her push push push and I know she looks down on me at times.

I often ask myself when my stress hypervigilance response gets triggered “Where is the fire?” usually there isn’t one, its just my thoughts either racing or going toward disaster scenarios. Its just the way my mind and perspective can operate at times, not from a position of abundance, spiritual protection and faith, but my fear and stress and negative thoughts. And Saturn as a energy means trying our best to align with slow solid natural grounded cycles rather than manic human ones.

The fires around us are calming a little in Australia but the inner fire can still rage in me at times. I had an outburst of rage today at my emotionally absent family. I am going to pull back. I see that I expect things of them that are not realistic and having those expectations and hurting myself with the disappointment I feel helps nothing. I read a great quote on anger on the empath page the other day that said anger is making yourself suffer for the mistakes of others, and ITS JUST NOT WORTH IT IN THE LONG RUN.

Yesterday in therapy I realised no one is coming to help me or save me. People make huge promises and then let me down in the end and when I buy into these false promises I am in problems.

I had to set boundaries too around when I talk to Chahir over messenger. It was only late at night he was contacting me due to the time difference between here and Morocco and I was getting to sleep far too late and then he wanted to video chat with me early in the morning. It was exhausting me so I had to stop talking at night time. Taking care of myself means making these tougher decisions and suffering a little from the lack of connection.

At times I still feel like the lonely mountain goat climbing that invisible mountain all alone and in the wilderness of isolation. I can only make sense of it on an inner level and I must sadly admit to having felt suicidal again over past days. I know feelings are not always facts and I have to keep showing up for me by trying to make healthy decisions because in the end it is me who is responsible for my life and my decisions, not anyone else and unconscious ones driven by fear only end up putting me in hot water. That said sometimes the grief I feel of how in struggling to be connected and in this emotionally disconnected family and losing my way to my own needs and desires is enormous. Maybe the transits are showing what needs to die (Pluto) for me in terms of old patterns and behaviours.