I am trying not to fall into sad feelings about where I am not connected over Christmas. And today I had a lovely visit from my cousin’s daughter and son as well as a phone call from someone I had not heard from for a while. I then decided to take myself off to an Al Anon meeting since therapy is on a 21 day break. I actually was thinking about calling someone from this group last night and such is the higher power that at about 11 pm when I logged onto Facebook Messenger they had sent me Christmas greetings. The history is we had some kuffufles in the past over me expressing emotions in meetings but all of that is behind us now. I took myself off to the group with was only very small around 11 am and it was useful to share as the topics were gratitude and the 12th step which speaks of a spiritual awakening we have in recovery. To me these kind of awakenings come slowly and over time as I begin to see the barriers in my own heart fear or hurt have built against opening to love.
I was able to clear up a misunderstanding with my friend Chahir last night. He had been hurt when I expressed real pain over the way my nephew has been treating me, he thought that I was blaming him when really I was just hurting but instead of saying I was hurting I couched it in other terms. I could have said I was feeling hurt and needed some soothing to cope with the pain I was but I didn’t do that in skilful way. He shared later in our chat that he felt so sad when I was hurt and that really touched my heart. It made me realise I cannot always feel the warm feelings someone may feel towards me at the time and my own hurt blocks those feelings. This made me sad for my own limitations.
I cant help thinking a lot of Scott either. Part of me is still convinced he is real and that I have let him down in some way, even though when I have been praying angels have said his deployment was his responsibility. I wish I could shake this feeling of sadness and guilt and the concern my higher power set this up to see how trusting or untrusting my heart is. I just need to share about it honestly here to get it out of my body. Part of me feels the love Scott gave to me so unwaveringly was real. I know things will come clear in time. If I have let him down by my lack of trust it makes me so so sad. What if the problem all along has been my fear and sense of hurt and difficulty in opening my heart to love?
Today I am grateful for the connections that are in my life. I feel sad I have not yet found the courage to reach out to my other nephew over Christmas, Christmas is the time loved ones enter your heart. I have struggled with close intimacy all of my life, I was able to share about it in the meeting today. I enjoy the softness of the Al Anon way, I read a lovely reading at todays meeting on someone expressing love only to meet a stiff response, the person thought they had overstepped the mark only to find out it had helped the other person. In the end we have to reach from our heart in an act of courage, fear of losing love or meeting rejection can often leave us in an empty place. This coming year I will pray for more courage to trust that the love I need is there even if sometimes it feels so very far away.