Post traumatic stress disorder is a killer some days. I know how much more alive I am now than I was even a year ago, I know the new bonds I have formed which have made me feel and face the deepest attachment wounds inside my heart. I know my inner terrain most intimately now. And I am learning not to shame and blame myself but I do see that lately I project my own rejection fears onto others and that is my wound, not their stuff at times and it demands of them a level of emotional insight into the way things can be turned around as they were turned around on me in the course of growing up.
My nephew tried to express some deep distress over something involving his ex partner a few days ago and he accused her of being a ‘coward’, immediately I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth “aww don’t be so hard on her”, but as I shared in therapy yesterday he was just expressing his hurt feelings and needed validation, I guess.
I know how I struggle with my own vulnerable feelings at times. I am learning to try to give to myself the love I lacked but some days still get lonely when misunderstandings come about between me and a loved one. It happened today and it hurt so much as I was expressing fears I may never get out of this house to go overseas to meet my new loved one and he got upset and accused me of wanting to end the relationship or not being serious about it. I cried so much as his comment went round and round in my head as Jasper and I headed out for a walk on an unrelentingly hot day here. Its already 30 degrees but we made it to the oval and then home and I am doing all the reading I can from Paul Ferrini and the Course in Miracles to make my way through this.
I am scared I am going to be abandoned again, due to this misunderstanding. I see ways in the past I did not always validate my past partner’s feelings giving rationalisations instead. It was done to me and so I do it to myself internally and to others at times. Over time I am learning what it is to validate emotions while not dumping or acting them out on others. Fear of rejection can lead us to say and do some painful things and may actually end up destroying relationships if the other person doesn’t have good emotional intelligence or if the said thing triggers one of their own wounds.
I feel calm right now. I got very scared and felt sick while the whole exchange was going on earlier before breakfast. But I did my inner work on it. The fear is I will always be ‘stuck’ here alone and see relationships decimated due to the past ancestral curse and the synchronicity of it being close to the date my ancestors embarked for New Zealand from Cornwall in 1894 is not lost on me. I am thinking of going away but its a lot to do leaving my house and Jasper. I wish my friend had offered to come here and today he said I never asked him, but the truth is I just offered to go and meet him out of the genuine desire to do so but when I thought of all the logistics I started to hit a brick wall which is not in surmountable. I sometimes have ideas in my head of which the transaction will take a lot of organising. Its not impossible to do but sometimes I hit all of my fears and then when I voice them others get angry instead of just saying..” oh I see that’s a fear for you, how can I help you with it” and so I end up feeling attacked and hurt. As I see it all fear is a cry for love not a further reason for us to attack or be attacked but it takes an elevated consciousness to see this which is why I love the work of Paul Ferrini I am going to post about later.
I am noticing lately the level of fear I have lived with on all levels. I see where the blockages I put up due to negative thoughts kill things, I was told this is what I was doing today and maybe Chahir is right. I am a lot older than he is and that too is a fear for me, it may not make as much difference now as it does in 20 or so years but he is offended that I think its an issue. I end up feeling bad and wrong again for this, but is that fair on me? God knows I am not perfect and have a lot of fears but at least I doing my very best to understand and own and work through them. Sometimes I curse my Mars Saturn Moon. I pray I break through all of the fears and defences in time.