I was so grateful for therapy this afternoon to be able so share about recent happenings especially on a day when the crippling inner critic came out and squeezed me. It takes a long time to get a grip on what situations trigger us to spiral back into that place where we blame ourselves for what was done to us. I remember my Dad getting me a job where the boss was a sexually inappropriate person, and I remember that he was innocently wrapping me up in something where I was out of my depth, but then as far as men were concerned I often was.
I don’t want to ‘blame’ my father I think if he knew how the person was he would have been horrified but by the time I was involved in this job a lot of things happened to me there and was already far too much trauma that had gone down with my accident and my sister’s aneurysm and subsequent abandonment for me to be standing on any solid ‘ego’ or boundary ground. I see now how I was ripe pickings for emotionally abusive men or men who were more than too happy not to try to show empathy for my past. And my tendency to turn towards the bottle due to the emotional misattunement of my parents was already well in place and soon other soft drugs came into the picture.
I guess with my 26th sobriety birthday coming up tomorrow this is all coming up for me. Its a critical time of year anyway. We now are in the window of time leading up to my mother’s fall in 2017 and speedy death not far from the anniversary of my father’s. I cried today with the longing for my Dad’s comfort and protection. I KNOW he loved me, I know this now but sadly Dad wasn’t the demonstrative until the cancer diagnosis. I can hold these memories now and have compassion for the young woman who was soon to be even further out of her depth, abandoned by her second serious boyfriend, thrown over for a more sexually mature partner and hold true to the fact that I was still too young and undeveloped in many ways. I will not blame my partner for sexually betraying me while we were overseas, after all I went back to him when he treated me badly, so its on me, but the damage that followed for 8 more years as I sought connection until I got sober in 1993 is something that scarred me and I still carry wounds.
I don’t have to blame myself for having arrested emotional and sexual development. I know with the right partner who showed me tolerance, empathy, compassion and understanding I would blossom. I should not be blaming myself for feeling that someone went a bit too far boundary wise recently and I started to feel uncomfortable. I cannot be someone I am not, so why blame myself and think I am ‘defective’?
Today Kat said under recent circumstances its natural I got crushed again by the inner force of not good enough and that emotional spaces of emptiness open this stuff up for me again when someone left me alone after something that made me feel a little invaded and insecure. Its recognising the feelings that is important for me and letting myself have them rather than blow them off or have a part of me turn against the other part that matters.
I feel a bit seered today anyway, I had two cups of coffee and even though I have it weak I am noticing its not really having a good effect on my brain and my gut. I need to find things I can take into my system that soothe me rather than act as irritants. I am still not out of the woods with my addictive tendencies to I need to keep a good check on things and practice self care. I realised today my body needs love at present so I am going to find a good massage therapist. I was never held tenderly in relationships or as a child. Bad things went into me like glass windows and fish hooks, we were beaten with a wooden spoon and I had a hair brush to the backside one day when Mum was angry. Is it any wonder I am shy of relationships and fear touch at times.
I am glad to be out of the crushed state I was in earlier today. Sometimes I wish I had therapy 3 rather than 2 times a week. I feel so safe and held with Kat and she is able to help me get back on solid ego ground when I begin to lose my moorings, she said today she feels I am slowly finding what she calls my ‘sea legs’ so I trust her on that. I certainly always feel so much happier and more present in an adult way after Thursday therapy sessions. I just wish it didn’t take me so long to find Kat but then again higher power is working its process as it is, and not as I wish it could have been.