Often in anxiety and trauma we block or resist or shut down our body. We often had no other choice having been so overwhelmed by onslaughts we suffered. I know for myself, having explored them over past years in therapy the multiple traumas my own little body sustained at the hands of parents who weren’t available to soothe, or just did not know how and how that grew inside me a punishing or persecuting voice that was so deeply entrenched.
Many of you who may have been following my blog for some time know the struggle I had with this figure. I am happy to report that I am showing real progress with this now. My phone internet went down for three days the other day and I got very activated talking to the provider after having been told on my new plan there was no provision for excess data and I would have to wait some days to be reconnected. When I think about it, it was not a huge deal because I do have internet on my computer with a separate provider but by God it triggered me. However instead of getting angry, anxious and activated I actually thanked the person and held myself as I cried very very deep. A sense of powerlessness that lies so deep in me had been triggered but I talked myself through it and helped myself to become calm again.
Then again today, when connection was due to be resumed, it took 3 calls to find out that my mobile data had been turned off and needed to be turned on again following this to get it up and running again and yet more tears as I had to wait a long while for the technicians to get back to me but what I realised was, after all of this, it was MY issue with patience that was the thing that needed work as well as my ability to delay gratification, as well as my capacity to keep perservering to take positive action.
I got the help in the end from a lovely South African technician (as that is where my provider’s call centre is based) and I thanked her very much at the end. I realised there is help out there if I do not have such an attacking opinion of the Universe.
I also listened to a great short video on Gaia yesterday about trapped emotions. It was interesting as one of the people interviewed was Joe Dispenza and the day before I had seen his book in the bookshop while looking for a gift for my nephew. Joe was speaking of how we need to let emotions move through us but also become aware of the self talk that goes along with them as well as become far more aware of when we are broadcasting ‘scripts of suffering’ to the quantum universal field…if you are interested in his book it is called Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself : How to Lose Your Mind and Create a New One. The synchronise thing is that it is the wife of this nephew who mentioned Dr Dispenza’s work to me a few months back.
These days I am learning to open up to my feelings and allow them a place while not allowing them to always propel my actions. I can understand a feeling as an impulse that has information for me but I can also see where frustration can lead me if I act on it in negative ways. I see how in the past I caused myself and others pain by acting too impulsively at times on emotions. Its interesting that Mercury has now moved well forward through the introversion sign of Scorpio after retrograding to hover there at 11 degrees only 2 degrees out from my Natal Neptune in Scorpio about 11 days ago. Neptune is where I absorb a lot of emotions but can also get flooded or overwhelmed by a host of repressed ones triggered by current events. Thing stirred up during that period that were so confusing for me too and I am still dealing with all of that. I am learning to concentrate more on my breathing too, when I get activated or when panic attacks or daily ‘spins’ start.
Resistance and shutting down only gets us so far, opening up and finding ways to constructively act upon and release emotions while not over reacting takes a lot of time for those of us who were not taught self soothing strategies or positive containing inner self talk. For me it feels good to be making progress, to be connecting more with others and to be feeling as though I can bear the intimacy of being close to others and not feeling as triggered as I know how to handle my emotions and boundaries better than I did before. I still have a way to go but I am happy for now to be making this progress.
We can also begin to reclaim our power from negative thinking and ‘scripts’ and find ways to attune to universe full of love, rather than hate, pain, despair or rejection. With my Mars Saturn Moon the tendency has been to see the defences and blockages rather than the opportunities. For a time after my accident I had to shut down in order to explore and begin to get in touch with pain and past trapped emotions I had buried. Now that these are releasing I am starting to feel freer on most days. I feel better able to get moving instead of staying paralysed on some days for the entire day. And when I go out into the Universe with an intention to give and open up and make myself available, good things can happen, if I keep my healing focus on love.