A soft heart : afternoon reflections

My heart just seems to be overflowing with softness and love lately. I think of how our souls were, in childhood, originally innocent and pure, just longing to love and be loved and of the damage our parents and grand and great grand parents endured and often passed on and my heart dissolves in tears and an ocean of love. Maybe this is awakening, when there is no hardness or defensiveness left.

I opened my heart to two men over the past year and both found a place, one I thought to be a scammer, now am not so sure again, the second is very very very special to my soul and I feel that it is only because my heart was awakening that I could have drawn this person to me. When I think of the love that wants to flow I know now the blockages have been removed through opening to and feeling how my fate was often not to be responded to when I needed it in childhood and then of the intense pain when Dad died so abruptly just before I was due to travel overseas in my early 20s all leading up to January at this time of year. I cry deeply for the love I now feel from my father who is passed over and how I tell him all the time I love him having had to tell him how painful it was that he could not support me in ways I needed when young. That said, if he had lived on maybe we would have addressed it.

Sadly when all of this started coming up 8 years into sobriety I ran away from my husband and mother because of all this pain I was carrying. I cried a lot about it today and released it again. I know what I did was a continuation and mostly unconscious and probably necessary for where I was at at the time. And a friend told me on Friday that a lot of ancestral stuff is coming up for healing and that would tally with Neptune in Pisces slowing down at the mid degrees of Pisces and turning forward again. Like the tide coming dredging up wreckage of list feeling long hidden in the collective deep.

Now I just feel love inside the pain and know how intrinsically the two are linked together. When I feel the love in my heart for the men in my life I know this is a sign my relationships with my dead father and (often) emotionally distant brother are healing and God put a lovely new male friend into my life who is very spiritual too, God bless you Steve. So at the moment I feel very very blessed to be surrounded by so much good male love energy.

Hard as it may seem the opposite of love is not hate. I think if we don’t understand the hidden cry for love hidden within deep anger and hatred we miss the mark with things. The bearer of a wounding has a spiritual thorn placed in them ancestrally… The wound was not theirs, they are just the bearer of it and they are the only one who can tend it, sad as it is to say, often acknowledgement won’t come from the wounder. That is why healing involves a certain amount of rising above after moving through and embodying the pain for a certain time, at least in my experience and that is why I don’t agree with a primarily medication based approach to mental and emotional health. That said some in the acute stages may be out of control but we have to see what happens is then ‘chemical restraint’ and not the same as healing which can only happen if the wound is felt and acknowledged and contained and transmuted. Some may require medications for slowing down and addressing pain though.

This can be a long and very painful process. We may not want to find the gift in suffering or see it as the birthplace of wosdom and consciousness but often it is. There is perhaps more to say on this subject but I just felt moved to write this post with Neptune now direct. The Moon will join it in a few days and then we may feel a flow of healing coming through and Mercury at 18 Scorpio is trine (in beneficent aspect) to Neptune right now, so its a good time to go deep and soften your heart to healing. Ask your angels for help if you are in pain, pray to your ancestors to be released from old carried burdens. Give yourself love and compassion for only in this way can you transmute your pain and make it a source of growth, onsciousness and healing.

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