Gentle : across the wild and intemperate ocean : more reflections

I am noticing how much violence there is in the world lately. I turned on the tele last night to witness people being blown to smithereens in a movie and it nearly did my head it. Is this just because I have been ‘smashed up’ so much myself that if affects me this way? That may be it, for I know some kinds of things that seem violent may be attempts to shatter an old order, particularly one that has grown too restrictive for the soul. Or is it that as am empath I cant handle too much of this Mars energy? And yet Mars represents brutal life force surging forth.

Life, in the end, is all about polarities. There is a time to fight and a time to surrender, there is a time to burst through and seek greener pastures and a time to appreciate and be comfortable with what you have or know. And when we choose to take certain actions we never really know how they will turn out. But how ‘grounded’ in reality are our choices?

I met up with a lady who walks her dog at the local oval Jasper and I visit yesterday. She had told me some of her life story before about how she lost both parents before the age of 21, how her husband was disabled and yesterday how they both immigrated to Australia from the UK in 1968. She told me that when she got here she found it very very isolated and desolate and she didn’t have the means to go home much. For me, with my ancestral heritage in the UK and having had my own difficulties with going back and forward and often never feeling fully at home in either place it really resonated with me. She struggles with the care of her husband and the dog, I had a sense that she felt trapped. That was also a mirror for me and a reflection of the two contrary urges, one that is comfortable with tradition, limits and the familiar as well as duty bound (Saturn) and the one that is more embracing of change and variety and thrives on lack of stability and eccentricity nd love of change (Uranus). As with all polar impulses we need to find a way to live within what Carl Jung called ‘the creative tension of the opposites’ allowing each impulse a voice and channel of expression.

My current square transit from Uranus to Mars Saturn Moon coincided with meeting ‘Scott’ a scammer or a soldier trapped overseas and desperate to come home? Does it really matter which for on a soul level as with every important person who comes into our lives ‘Scott’ represents a part of my soul. Last night I had an interesting dream, in it a man had cut my hair really short, I had not asked for it to be cut and it happened against my will, but then over time I learned to live with it, interesting all the past 18 months of stress over this ‘scam romance’ has coincided with my hair shrinking to half its normal length. What is the trapped part of my inner masculine that needs to be free?

Today I deleted the app we have been using to communicate for the third time. I already said I am sending no more money. He still claims he is real and my money is being sent back. The truth is it is driving me demented and I want to put it in the past for a while. I need to get on and try to move forward in some way and even let go of the money I lost or gave away to an illusion. I talked to my sister and shared how guilty I feel for losing so much money even though the person who took it is really the guilty one. My need or desire to be loved and connected ended up costing me a lot of money and I bought into an illusion but in the end as in all of life I am the one who must free me. No one else can do it. I am the one who must engineer my life, I cannot pass that responsibility off onto anyone else, so in a way ‘Scott’/Uranus has and is kicking my butt. Now my life going forward depends on me getting back in the driver’s seat and learning to steer my own ship across the wild and often intemperate oceans even if at times I fear the storms. Because I am learning that sometimes we just cannot control outcomes at all but that does not mean we should always live, permanently in fear of risk, newness and change, in the end it also means trusting we have the inner resource to survive what life throws at us, even all the mistakes or wrong turnings and loss.

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