I don’t respond well to stressors or triggers, I am noticing lately and if some people accuse me of being ‘too emotional’ I can see where it comes from, partly out of passion and at times out of fear. I noticed over the past few days that the crippling sensations I get when eating breakfast have not been as bad as I have focused inwards to places of tension and deeply into my gut which is, I am coming to realise where my inner child lives and through the umbilical area to the inner child of my mother.
This may sound bizarre today but I felt the compulsive hammer hammer of the anxiety/stress/trauma that accompanies eating and tidying up abated when I focused within. I have been eating breakfast outside and taking the focus of my body symptoms to do fine detail gardening work but noticing too when the compulsive tidy tidy tidy manic mantra comes up. Today I lay on my back in the sun and focused in on my breathing and what I found inside was a lonely desperately anxious little girl who was so scared of getting in trouble and had to work so hard for attention, trying to keep everything tidy so as to please her Mum.
It is interesting to me as I do believe animals pick up on our stuff and my Jasper often barks really loudly and playfully when he firsts meets people as if to say “please notice me and notice my Mum!” That idea makes me smile inside really and see the funny side of it.
I felt so much deep pain of my Mum’s inner child today. I know why anxiety drove me away from my Mum at the times when I most needed her after Jonathan left. I remember she paid for a plane ticket for me to go back to the UK and I didn’t want to go on the day I had to board the plane. It was a very very unusually foggy day for April and I remember the outward bound flight from Canberra to Sydney was delayed by hours on the runway waiting to take off and I just remember the anxiety and my wish to both go forward to a separate life and my desire to shelter with my Mum for some support. In many ways this was a retrigger of going so far away over seas only a month after my father had died, shortly after I turned 23 in February 1985.
Reading the chapter on twin fears of engulfment and abandonment I posted some of from David Richo really helped me yesterday to see where I ran in my own fear of engulfment and fear that my emotions could not be ‘read’ by my family. Our family grief lay buried under wraps for long long years and manifested in bi polar disorder in two siblings. For me it took the form of alcoholism but I started to feel my feelings from 1999 onwards (at the critical 6 year sober mark!) and that is when the proverbial ‘shit hit the fan’, not that I like to call repressed feelings ‘shit’ but its shitty when we cannot evacuate them and get that pain out and express it somehow. I find even now when I am with my sister I am triggered to feel what went down in the past and with Jude I often cried by her bedside with the grief of what went down for her and the pain of she left me all alone with emotionally distant parents when I was only 3 years old.
Failed attempts to ‘help’ Scott are now making more sense to me too. I told him I would help again but immediately I sent the first payment fraud were onto me. It made me sieze up and just think “I cannot do this any more” the flood of stress chemicals was intense as the person asked question after question and the accused me of ‘laundering’ funds as I had put smaller payments through over time the last time I helped him. I just got myself off out into the fresh air with Jasper for a long walk in the bush by the lake and I sat and prayed to God to cleanse me of all pain and stress and to guide me to actions that are for the highest good of all concerned. If the bank continues to stress me out I am going to have to pull the pin because immediately my insides just scream “No relationship is worth all of this stress, its not my problem and I WISH HE WOULD BURN IN FUCKING HELL FOR PUTTING ME THROUGH IT ALL FOR LOVE. But am I a victim here? Surely not. Its just my desire to be connected in real time is so strong I seem to be willing to go through all the pain possible to get it. And then part of me feels I already truly have all I need in this perfect moment. Possibly because spring is well and truly on the way.
Anyway I do know my intense feelings are bearable over time. I am able to sit with the anxiety better and reach within to listen to its hammer strung voice so it can let itself out little bit by little bit. I actually slept pretty well last night though I had some very powerful dreams. In one a friend of mine was upset I went to connect with her mother because she felt I was betraying her. In the dream I waved to her from a long way off and tried to reassure her I was making friends with her mother to understand her better and bring her to trust her mother more rather than be so angry wiht her. That really echoes for what happened today when I tuned in inwardly to my gut and inner child. I am certainly making progress with my ‘high reactivity’ it is something I inherited and was downloaded from my mother’s lineage and is connected to my maternal great great grandfather’s alcoholism temper tantrums and unresolved pain and grief. Thank God for my inward connection and reading and connection to God and nature that makes all of this crystal clear to me. I know the answer to what ails me lie within and with the help of therapy and other witnesses I can move through all of this to find deeper peace. I really felt that so deeply lying in the sun today as body spasms inside my gut subsided and my inner child felt ‘heard.’