Is there one? And how do we know? In the Bahagavad Gita and ancient mystical text ts says you have power over your actions but not the fruit of your actions and sometimes we just do not know what consequence deciding to take a certain action will result in.
That said we have to take action to propel our lives forward. Hamlet articulated the conflict well in his soliloquy : “To be or not to be?” And do we believe we possess the right to “be” in the first place? Do we know the how to of it?
Mixed up childhoods leave us foundering. Old unresolved wounds and injuries fester inwardly playing out in all kinds of ways. Buried emotions may masquerade underneath other emotions. The admonishment of a parent denying the child right of protest cuts them off from their root, because as my therapist often says “No!” is the cry of the True Self perhaps beaten down in childhood.
I think lately of my own thwarted longings for healthy bonding and attatchment. I think of the many frustrations of my will and spirit I suffered as a child. I think how later in life Mum accused me of being a ‘late developer” as if it was somehow my fault all that trauma befell me and when I needed emotional connection and support it wasn’t there. Oh also the comment “You are really the only one in this family with a problem.” WTF Well as Dennis Lloyd sings : Nevermind. It was never for her to validate what I went through. But residual anger and frustration often flares up. And I turn it back on myself. At least until recently. Isn’t that what much depression really is? Inward turned anger and will to live our truth stuffed deep inside where it festers as mixed up feelings of deadness or partial aliveness?
The lonely unbonded starving girl in me drove my life. I see it with stark clarity and profound grief lately. I look at my innocent dog so full of spunk and gumption and consider how I’ve stymied him at times, it breaks my heart. Then my therapist reminds I am too hard on myself that I am most a loving doggie Mum but she doesn’t see some of the rages and OCD outbursts. At least I recognise my neurosis…I am not brushing it off and before we can take action to change we need awareness and acceptance of the reality of WHAT IS instead of self justification and denial. That’s where I am now.
What are the actions I must take to improve my life or live the best version if it I can? How willing am I to sit patiently with the hurting vulnerable triggered self to bring myself into an adult state and out of a compulsive one? How willing am I to know my dark side and see the gold a shame based childhood forced me to bury? How willing am I to take responsibility for my gifts and champion my true self instead of trapping and terrorising her even more? What do I feel will be best for me even if its tough to do? And how best to love within healthy empathic boundaries? Just some questions I am asking myself as the storm of the past two days fades away into the distance.