So often I seem to live in my mind rather than my body, in fact I wonder at times about the broad encompassing thing that the mind is and how it interweaves between the worlds of inner and outer, sensing, critiquing, evaluating and at times judging, perhaps missing hidden nuances and sometimes even leaving the body and heart behind it until a still quiet voice or other pull from inside of us reminds us we have got lost or disconnected in some way in the meandering corridors of our mind or memory from the body and the present moment. That is when grounding is so important, especially for those of us who suffer from anxiety and depression which are so often the consequence of nourishing certain patterns of thought.
My routine is all different since Kat my therapist has been away, to be honest part of me is happy not to have to show up so early on a Monday, I wait for Simon to come and walk Jasper and then we have a chat, I have a leisurely lunch at home and there this no rushing but my mind is also left to its own devices and as usual its raining down judgements on me. I know enough by now just to listen to this inner chatter and I try to tidy up a bit if things seem to have fallen into some disrepair or mess, at other times I just have to ignore the impulse to tidy up if it means our morning walk will be delayed, as kids we were never allowed out of the house til all our chores were done and this compulsion often shadows me and makes my life more contracted. At times too distraction is the best method, if I get out of the house I can concentrate on something far more positive and uplifting than the bogged down ruminations that so often possess me.
I noticed today the “I am a failure and have amounted to nothing in this world’ script was playing over again, there were other negativities trying to bring me down but I just told that unhappy fault finding part of me I was getting on with my day to make something good of it. But the thought them came to me about how powerful the mind is for good or ill and how much its not the outer life that deeply nourishes me as the inner one, the minute I open my blog to write I find myself in a better place and its fun to be creating something like a blog or a poem and so the mind can be put to good use too, for example with creative imagining. The mind also can help me travel into other worlds and others perspectives when I read or listen to something interesting on the radio, that takes me out of self obsession for a while and expands my world too.
I often think that I could travel the whole world and not feel as complete as I do when I actually voyage into my inner world of life, memory and imagination. I guess some people would say I have lingered here too long and sometimes I agree, at other times I am enriched by it.
One thing that lifts me up though, is when I feel connected to by a more loving part of myself instead of allowing myself to be terrorised by the destructive inner voices all of the time that seem to have ruled me and limited my life for a lot of it. I see as I am forgiving my family I am less hard on myself and I am more accepting of where I am, so what if I amount to nothing in the outer world? Who is keeping score? Who is judging me in the way I feel I am being judged? Probably no one.
And there seems to be a deeper world opening up inside of me and perhaps one that has to do with aging. I am aware now the real flesh and blood people no longer exist in the actual world but have now become my phantoms and my memories and I think of how life breaks apart as ones we felt connected to leave, the opportunity opens up to reach out for new connections and I hope to find a way to do that in time. I would like my life to be enlarged by more soul to soul connections with others as this is the dimension of experience that has meaning for me now. Spending a lot of time alone I really value when moments of connection come now. And I realise too, how important a positive connection with my own body in nature is too, moving my body from out of its intense contractions which have been such a huge part of a lingering traumatic imprint is taking some time for me. I do a lot of sounding and singing now as well to take me out of my trauma and to move the vibrational charge out from me, as for many years it has almost completely paralysed me. Getting my body into nature soothes me and I was so glad that on Thursday when I got the news of my friends death that I was in nature and could sit on the ground while the ocean of grief opened up inside of me, in that situation I felt nature was containing me while at the same time I felt the deep sense of inner wilderness isolation that so dogged my life in the painful years spent all alone by the ocean after my ex husband left me.
Today there was a programme on the radio about the healing affects of nature for those of us who suffer from depression or anxiety. It was said that those who have a view of greenery or a glimpse or active involvement with nature are 25 percent less likely to suffer from depression. I know how nature sustains me on those days when I feel blue, just being by the water or close to plants and connected to animals has a positive effect. And I do feel nature helps us to connect more deeply to the spiritual part of us, that higher bridge of mind that can connect us at inner levels to a source of power, compassion, wisdom and love.
I haven’t had my daily dose of nature today. Its a grey overcast day here and I feel quiet alone today. I had a huge conflict with my partner at the end of last week and he hasn’t been able to reply to my texts yet in which I expressed how angry I was. I find feeling my anger very problematic at times, I don’t like being told who I can connect with especially at a time I was receiving painful news and had no one much to share it with. I felt pissed off that Scott didn’t get that but was more focused on a self protective agenda, it was a trigger for when I was young and my needs and feelings and wants didn’t seem to matter. I was able to realise on the weekend it was okay to feel angry and I made sure I reached out to do somethings that I would enjoy which were light and stopped me focusing on a sense of self centred grievance. In the end I cannot control how others do or don’t treat me but only over how I respond and when I get angry its pretty damn intense.
I was able to talk to my sister about it on the weekend and she empathised. That was lovely and I really count my blessings that we can hear each other and be there for each other just a little bit, even if I must be the one who has to reach out. Today I take responsibility for doing the things that help me, rather than hurt me. Today I take responsibility for doing the best I can to keep my focus positive while not denying what is ‘negative’ or painful.