Likely these days if you go around telling people you hear the voice of God you will be diagnosed schizophrenic! I don’t know if anyone has seen the movie The Danish Girl but when the lead character (who wanted to be Lily but was a man, whose name is now lost to me) went to get help while struggling with feeling like a woman trapped in a man’s body, one of the psychiatrists he was seeing left the room, written on the pad was a diagnosis ‘shizophrenia’ and ‘Lily’ had to escape out the window so as not to be ‘captured’ by the men in white coats who the psychiatrist had gone to get!
That said I wanted to write this post as lately I have heard the voice of God talking to me, and its in those moments when I feel that I am being besieged by less kindly voices and forces within myself that I am hearing this voice of love. Hearing lots of inner dialogue, is also, as I am beginning to see a response to being alone on those days I am not seeing or connecting with anyone. I used to live like this for years, I had put myself into a kind of voluntary isolation because there did not seem to be much affirmation or ‘love’ out there in the world for me. At that point, after my husband left I was struggling with old grief and a past that I had not yet really made conscious but as I look at that time now, I see I felt I was not loved deep deep down in my soul and so my ego chose to keep me isolated and even though that choice hurt me I lacked the ability to change it.
Reading Paul Ferrini’s book which I am quoting from in recent posts is helping me to understand this dynamic of how my hurt kept me isolated, self focused and alone. Paul’s teachings are all about allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and ask for the love we need and give the love we wish we could, that said he asks us to recognise that unless we truly feel loved inside any attempts for others to love us may be pushed away by us.
Anyway lately this love force, or God force or whatever it is has been getting me to pay attention to my negative, nihilistic, thinking. In AA they call this either ‘stinking thinking’ or alternatively ‘analysis/paralysis’ When I can get to quieten that other inner critic energy that actually doesn’t have a lot to say except to point out all the ways I fall short, I listen to the other voice helping me discriminate what is a call to healthy action and what is just reaction to an unsettling energy that wont let me sit still and seems quiet OCD in its focus at times. I seem to be making progress cause today I have been hearing loving voices and some poems have been coming to me too.
I borrowed a beautiful collection of poetry by Mary Oliver from the library yesterday and some of you might know that many of her poems were inspired by nature and birds as well as animals. After our nature walk today I got some of my own inspirations and I jotted down a few lines. But this voice of love and God is what I am actually thriving on and it loves the silence. It is also full of love. It keeps reminding me that no matter what the inner critic says, I am loved and I am worthy and my life has value meaning, its also reminding me what an unhappy dissatisfied force the inner critic or persecutor is.
Our experience of Spirit is unique, but it is not exclusive. Everybody who wants to talk to God can do so. Anyone who thinks that only he can talk to God or that he talks to God better than others is listening to ego, not Spirit. The guidance of Spirit brings us together. It does not push us apart. It helps us to realise our common purpose. It does not put anyone on a pedestal.
Every time we hear our guidance, we come to peace within.. it restores us to our consciousness of God’s love for us. Peace dwells within me whenever I remember who I am and who you are.
If I think I know what is good for me, I may be right or I may be wrong, but I do not invite Spirit to guide me. I invite Spirit only when I say “I am not sure what course to take, let me pause and ask for guidance. Let me ask where I can find peace in this situation.”
The Wounded Child’s Journey Into Love’s Embrace