Hard to love you

I am sorry now

It was so hard to love you

And that for such a time

I held onto these wounds

So deep inside

The things that hurt me

So often hard to name

Now it seems I have more understanding

Of the shame

And other forces that drove us

As I remember how hard it was

To labour under that critical gaze

That kept us all running

Or frozen

In so many ways

And it saddened me when Mum once said

She would rather not ‘lose face’

Than be there for you

When I saw you try so hard

To make up for the absence

Dad’s death caused

Sorry sometimes she could be a bitch

And you had miles of loss to go through too

Before vulnerability could unmask

The deep clues of wounds

Left silent

Buried under striving

And that is why it hurts so much at times

To see how much your hands shake

From all the energy that had to be buried

When really I do believe

In the long run its far better

To own up to our injuries and mistakes

Even if some anger is the price we pay

For release

But some things are not that easy to see

And now it seems I am finding it

Easier to love you

Flesh of my flesh

Blood of my blood

And I will do what it takes to be there

At least as much as I can be

Because in the end

Love forgiveness

And understanding count more

Than anything

24 thoughts on “Hard to love you

    1. It is. I am really enjoying Stan Grant’s book Ivor as he takes on these topics in regard to his own struggle over the anger of the treatment of aboriginal people and how often he was told to get over it and he explores how resentment keeps us stuck and we need to remember and not forget but not get too stuck or hardened and defensive within the pain. Its a good read or listen. Its helping me a lot.

      Hope you are having a lovely Sunday. πŸ™‚

      1. Oh it’s cold and wet here again, and inside dwelling in memories, but staying afloat….. I’m always an emotional mess during this time, “our’ anniversary week, I’m Ok, I’ve a truck load of tissue boxes, to see me through the week…….
        “how many rivers of tears must we cry
        before all the deepest wells run dry”

      2. These days I’ve learnt to swim with the warm emotions, and let Carole have her way with me, and enjoy all those treasured memories that come my into my heart…. xxxx…… Oh hugs are good… they are comforting for my soul….. xxxxx

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