I had a fairly smooth day yesterday by sidestepping when someone was trying to ‘pull’ me in again and had moments of real peace and happiness within myself, but today I had another test with it and boundaries and my God did I start feeling angry when I wasn’t spoken to with empathy and was dumped with someone else’s stuff. That said I still struggle deeply with my own sensitive nature and how much care to give to others. I managed it well yesterday but today I really felt the repercussions in my body. Sometimes I only know how to ‘cut’ contact when I am triggered and that is for self protection and in order to know what is going down. However, if the other person is triggered and puts up demands it makes me really activated maybe because my boundaries were so often violated in childhood, then I can start to feel bad for it and wonder if the defending is shutting my heart down.
I read in that book by Michael Singer last week that shutting down our heart does not work but the fine line is when we have to much com in our ‘compassion’ which basically means ‘to feel empathetic passions with’ someone. Some of us over empathise or care taken in order to feel cared for and about and then some times, too, people are our mirrors or we are put together to work out boundaries and other issues.
Today, I have had so much going on that I am feeing highly stimulated I am also due for a hair appointment in an hour but on an early morning walk all this stuff started coming up from my inner child about how often my body was invaded with hurtful things, some of you know about the 3rd degree burns I sustained from one of my mother’s cleaning frenzies and the fish hook through the webbing of my toes, but there was also the enema they gave me when I was emotionally upset and the invasive head bridle torture thing I had to wear for a year and a half with my braces. I get so much chemical stuff going down too in my head and neck and gut from the head trauma I suffered in 2005. Most people don’t understand how trauma is stored in the body/psyche as vibration and it remains as vibration in the body awaiting activation and release. A chiropractor explained it to me a few years back who does a gentle form of touch therapy called ‘network’ chiropractic. That said we have to move through our own release work too.
I nearly canclled the appointment today but I am going to go through with it. I also have the cleaner here and I am finding his energy very disruptive at the moment and poor Jasper tends to freak out with the vacuum cleaner. Like Jasper I find it hard when a lot is going down around me with machinery, I was cut out of the car when I was 17 and trapped inside for a long time
Anyway there was a very good reason I used to so called ‘isolate’ on the back of the head trauma and the shit treatment by my sister and mother following the collapse of my marriage. But that sense of being apart and alone is part of trauma and having to undergo the long slow process of undoing what I choose to call soul loss or tears in our soul fabric. If I spend a lot of time alone there is a good reason and often I have such magical moments in nature. I had one today just looking at this amazing old gum tree that had leaves woven into its bark where they became trapped and it seemed to me that the tree was like a giant ancient being who was shedding his skin, as pieces of bark were strewn all around the base, the sun was shining bright and Jasper was in his element chasing birds and for a moment I was part of everything. If I was stuck in an office in some mundane job I would not be having those kinds of moments, that said I would probably be having other moments. I just get so sick of those who speak of people with trauma being pathological for so called ‘retreating’ or ‘regressing’ when really we are just seeking ways to mend tears and come into a more wholistic relationship with the totality of being and the being of nature.
I want to love who I am and respect myself for my process and I don’t think we should have to settle for being misunderstood even thought its also not realistic for everyone to understand. We just tend to feel a lot more genuinely ‘isolated’ when we do feel misunderstood.