Sometimes I find myself floating between so many worlds, waking from powerful dreams I am conscious of my soul speaking to me through these images of my niece I experienced last night and I like to spend this liminal time quietly absorbing their messages. I awake to the beeping of the phone sending messages of love and devotion from across wide oceans but I want to keep my energy inside of me so I can ponder and integrate the last few days of my journey, all I am learning about my sister. As time goes on I am seeing the on going bigger picture of our families evolutionary trajectory evolving.
When I am able to bring my energy more into ‘present time’ I realise how much my own unconscious trauma and history often captures or keeps me from living in the so called ‘real world’. This morning I was thinking about the time my ex husband was trying to get the ball rolling to sell our property at the coast so we could move forward, I put the stops on and I then think of how we had the chance then to come back home to Canberra and be closer to my mother but that would have felt like I was captured in some way in a world that was not as deep as the one I felt myself descending towards inside of me with all my emerging feelings and interest in things of deep psychological, ancestral, spiritual and emotional nature.
I look outside at my property to things that need doing, the timbers of my decking are badly in need of a recoat, my car is due for a service and I have to see the dentist who did my recent denture construction, lately I don’t have the energy to want to make these appointments, I would rather walk with Jasper, read, write my poems and go deeper into my healing journey of understanding and forgiveness. (I will get around to them though.)
I was told once by my first major therapist that I was a person who lived very close both to the personal and collective unconscious. Today I could not help but see how the immigration journey of my ancestors with leavings and meetings and joinings and then falling or tearing aparts played out over the past 150 years. I was thinking of our youngest nephew who sees so little of any of us in Queensland which is were another of my great great grandfather’s siblings, George Trudgeon ended up. I know Elliot isn’t aware of this connection. I think of my brother’s children who lead very detatched lives from any of their relatives and of how my father left his three siblings behind in Holland and never looked back, I think of how I bonded so powerfully with his oldest sister Lies when I finally met her in 2000, crying a lot after that meeting. I think to of how with my Saturn Moon I am the holder of the memories and the linkages and the associations. I think of the marriages that ended for us three girls. None of my older sister’s son encountered this kind of separation until this year when her third son finally decided to leave his partner because she wanted him to stay on medication for so called ‘bi polar’ disorder. I think of how when I speak to him lately he too, as an artist, is choosing the inner world but feeling very disconnected at times too, especially as more of his own trauma rises to the surface of his mind for healing and integration.
I think of Scott who is longing to meet me and how I am hedging too at the moment. I had a very strong sense last week that the connection to Scott is really no ‘accident’, it fits the ancestral pattern that he is fighting forces over there but in many ways trapped, just as I was trapped in the car that crushed around me at the age of 17 and then stayed trapped by my trauma symptoms when all of that repeated following the ending of my marriage and my refusal to move back ‘home’ to the place of all of my trauma. I think of how my mother fell and injured herself so badly at the point we had been overseas for 2 years and how I felt the pull to come home, in fact I was sharing some of that with my sister on the weekend who does not know the entire story.
I know all of these things are in the past now. Part of my mind which judges me says that in many ways I am often still trapped in the past. My family has broken apart with the death of my mother who connected us in many ways. I would hear from my brother when he visited town and my Mum, we would go over there and have a cup of tea together. Now I will only hear from him if something happens with money or my Mum’s estate, in fact I must call him today as I like to keep in touch, all my anger and disappointment with him is gone now. I realise he is just acting out of his own patterns. I still feel sad though at times.
I think of how hard my father worked following leaving Holland to survive the War years, joining the Dutch East Indies Air Force at age 18 and finally meeting my mother when he was 21. He had his fortune told in Indonesia and the woman told him he would travel to a small town surrounded by hills and meet a dark haired woman and have four kids. That all came true and its something I reminisced with my sis about as we drove past some of those hills on our country trip on Sunday along the well beaten road that leads to the coast house my father built where I finally ended up at the end of my marriage.
Just possibly all this reflecting is part of growing older. They say that youth is wasted on the young but that life can also not be lived backwards. We don’t get to see what the consequences of certain choices are until we travel much further down the road. I think of my ex partner Phil and the battles we had with me not being able to ‘move on’ or ‘stop my crying”. I don’t blame him, and I see that I still had a lot to process before I could be with a guy like him who just wanted to live in the present and not look back or feel too much about his own painful history. I had a lot more inner work to do to ever get to that stage. And I worry, will I have enough to give now to a committed relationship?
I am actually crying about Phil now, we did have some special moments but BY GOD HE WAS TOUGH ON MY HURTING HEART and I continued to blame myself still for many years after it all ended. Time does bring healing though and I think of what Liz Greene writes about my own Saturn Moon Pluto aspect, that it brings ‘wisdom through suffering, purification through the ordeal by fire’ I think of the fire that raged for years in my lion heart that is now burning down to glowing embers which warm me on the melancholy or wistful days. I know the purpose the anger served but how useless it is to change anything that played out due to no one’s ‘fault’, including mine.
My life is far from over but I also know that just possibly for the rest of my life I will continue to live like this poised betwixt and between the worlds of conscious and unconscious, spirit and matter, body and soul. Or maybe the sense is just very powerful now as Mercury the last of the planets including Mars Sun and Venus will soon be moving forward to cover those first 13 degrees of Leo which oppose my Mars Saturn Moon and square my Neptune. Who knows maybe I am meant to ‘move on’. Maybe life has other plans for me. I will keep open though. I will continue to hope there are ways to find happiness peace and joy at the end of an inward self discovery journey that has and is teaching me so much.