At peace

I feel deeply at peace today. I love that feeling when it arises after a time of tussling with so many painful dimensions of myself and relationships, there one day comes a day where the wild seas calm and then there is an ability to glimpse a possibility of some kind of new understanding and freedom. And painful and hard as it is to feel my full feelings of sadness, shame, grief and longing as well as rage, anger and frustration at least in letting them out I get to understand more and connect more with others.

I have realised lately everyone has their own ‘take’ on things. People can express concern for you but often they are projecting their own experience or perspective. There is a saying in AA that we share only our experience, strength and hope rather than give advice. I have often followed advice which was wrong for me and then I have at times not listened to things that may have helped me. Its all a mixed bag really and lately I see its more our need for certainty and constant reassurances that is most of the problem in life. Nothing is set in stone and we all make choices and often we just don’t know what the outcome of those choices will be. I see times I reacted in anger and defensiveness in the past and ended up making my life harder, that said, at the time there was a perfectly good reason for acting or reacting as I did so why blame or shame myself for it all or call it a mistake. It may have been an unskilful thing to do but just possibly I learned from it, even when that learning was painful and yes with retrospect it probably was a mistake, I shot an arrow and missed the target or maybe should have kept the arrow in my quiver longer or not shot it in that person’s general direction!!!

I often have vivid recall of key events in my life lately. This week it was of sitting on the plane before I took off for overseas after Jonathan left me. It was a repeat of when I left home or was forced to after my Dad died. I needed to be with loved ones at that time but I felt unable to be with people who seemed emotionally shut down and incapable of ‘holding’ me. I ended up sustaining a very bad head injury after taking myself off and the family I was lodging with told me I was ‘too sad’ so had to move out. I ended up in Glastonbury with a lot of hippies who actually did hold me in my grief so often but I was so so lost at that time making heavy grief laden journeys to the local chapels and Chalice Wells gardens where I had many visions of Christ and the two Marys. I was reading in Richard Rohr’s book last night how Jung called the Christ archetype the archetype of the Self and I do believe this to be true. Jesus said so many things about the powerful individuation journey and I think his central teachings are often missed by the mainstream church. I don’t call myself a Christian but I do believe in Jesus and the power of empathy he demonstrated to the down trodden, I love how he stood up against hypocrisy. I relate more to his Gnostic teachings however about how if we don’t bring the truth ourselves out in the world and expose our dark side and secrets we eventually end up shattered or destroyed or trapped. I don’t think I would be shamed at all for the life I have lived by Jesus. I think he would understand the battle I had in my family and society at large with certain forces of lack of love.

I was thinking about shame a lot last night. I have post backed up about the Inner Child and shame I want to share which talks about how the Inner Child is naturally full of love which gets blocked of by socialisation and watching the way adults treat each other and children with so much lack of true love and acceptance. It really spoke to me and it mentions the role of the Higher Parent who I would also call the Witness Self. I felt this force around me after Jonathan left and I went into almost total isolation at the coast. It was a deeply painful lonely time but a rich time too. I started writing several books I never finished and explored a lot of writings on the evolution of conscious, loss of our connection to the Divine Feminine and a lot of other deep psychological writing. But I also connected to this source of the feminine who loved me and talked to me and supported me. It was she who gave me the name for this blog. I did a lot of channelled writing then. And I got wisdom and love from that inner feminine Goddess energy.

I am feeling more confident in my path forward this week. I know the shame I internalised does not tell the truth of who I am in my deepest soul and heart. I am a radiant being and I am sorry if that sounds egotistical there really isn’t any ego in it at all. You see I truly do believe we are all sparks of divinity and that we come to this place of struggle and shades where certain forces seek to block that or stymy it at times. Someone seemed to imply yesterday that I have a split view of the world, well I don’t really agree. I know there all shades of grey out there but there are also patches of technicolour radiance which emerge when we begin to see through the eyes of our truer spirit and become more heart rather than head centred. At the moment I feel that radiance in the warmth of the Sun which is streaming in and kissing the sofa next to where I am writing. I let myself be nurturing last night and keep the heating on all night because we are having a very intense August cold snap here right now. Its toasty and warm here now and Jasper is snoozing beside me. I could not feel more at peace. In this moment I have all that I truly need.

I also understand that things were not meant to work out with Scott coming home this week for a reason. I am still considering what to do. I know the people who believe he is a scammer, I just don’t feel that is true in my heart but anyway I am not here to justify anything at all and I do appreciate their care, love and concern which comes from a good place. At the same time I feel complete enough to live on my own. I know what he is offering me but even that worries me at times. I know I cannot allow others to be my entire reason for existing as we each can only share our lives with a whole person beside us. Hopefully along the way we learn how to truly open our heart and soul to others honesty and expose our ‘imperfections’. In this way we learn to no longer hide but take the risk to be truly intimate. It is mentioned in the reading I want to share soon that intimacy is not possible if we are steeped in shame. Shame makes us feel not good enough and it blocks love and intimacy in the end. I see how my own shame over my inner child and past and unresolved grief kept me from love so many many times. I feel compassion for those who tried their best to love me and grateful for the chance. I understand why the judged me and why they left. I hope in time to become a person more and more capable of peace, love, depth, intimacy and true connection both with my inner self and with everyone I meet along the way. For don’t we all have lessons for each other? And isn’t our deepest purpose for exiting to be real and true to our spirit and through that spread and share a portion of light and love? To me that now seems the way to true peace of heart.