Back the F*&# Off!!!!

I find boundary setting SO DAMN HARD. Most especially around willful pushy people and apparently this is one of the major challenges for those of us with the North Node in Leo and Mars is moving towards mine at 18 degrees over the next 10 days or so. I was put under pressure again yesterday and my fear of abandonment made me cave. I had such a back lash last night, I hardly slept and I have been starting to settle really well lately and uncoil but last night I was turned all the wrong way around in my body

And LO and behold today … more F*&^%ing pressure. I just told the person to back off in no uncertain terms. Yes, I am a good person who cares about others but I am not lily white at all I have a hell of an angry shadow self and I was reading in Deepak Chopra’s book of guided meditations for connecting with our soul that letting our shadow side come up is actually A REALLY GOOD THING. Some of us were conditioned to fawn or collapse under pressure. We can turn ourselves inside out. In my last relationship this happened. I get that he found my highly emotional side problematic but that said I do believe we were shadows of each other and meant to go through all of that so I could learn lessons.

I am more than happy at the moment to be spending a lot of time on my own. I noticed this week that two arrangements to get together with others fell apart for one reason or another, its par for Mercury retrograde anyway but I also know at the moment I am on a deep healing pathway and it just doesn’t translate into the every day world that much. I have been criticised in the past for withdrawing but as an empath I now know that was essential. I am sick of beating myself up for everything. With Lion’s gate opening in two days time I want to stand in my own power. The male lion leaves the cubs behind which may sound harsh but we cant always be protecting everyone else’s inner child. That’s what I am seeing. I am also needing to clean up a couple of addictions that have been bugging me over the past while. I saw clearly today they have reached their use by date.

I am finding walking in natural places so empowering for me as an empath. It allows me to clear residues that I may pick up and to get more grounded and Jasper loves these wild walks by the lake through scrub. This afternoon I noticed I was falling back into the small, tired, powerless self and immediately we got walking, even though it was an effort I felt so much more clearer and stronger. I got two great books out of the library this afternoon so I am really looking forward to getting into those. I am also finding quiet time in mediation even for about 10 minutes is helping me, especially when I am distressed. I like the feeling that comes from feeling stronger and that does not mean I hide or defend my vulnerability but that I am able to hold myself in the midst of it while my higher self gives me encouragement from within, rather than looking outside for it.