There are some things that have been troubling me over the past few days in relationship to my Mum. Mum passed away in December 2017 and I still speak to her and my father, especially when I am having a tough day, like today, I join to their spirit consciousness so often in prayer. There are so many ways in which I wish I had reacted differently around critical times of conflict between me and my Mum which just ended up causing us both more suffering and pain. I also realised that when I act from anger it may make healthy decision making difficult, anyway I know the past is past and I released the pain this afternoon.
I sometimes wonder how deeply anger, fear and grief are intertwined within me, ideally we use our anger and rage to let us come to grips with deeper feelings of frustration and powerlessness without getting stuck there and let ourselves open to the grief under that in a form of surrender which allows transformation deep inside of us. I felt a bit stuck today in anger after cutting someone off, I had someone break an engagement too, today, which was okay but it just mucked my day around a bit. I will get out to walk with Jasper soon, I just find it hard at times to find the peace with the things I wish were different. I know it makes no sense now to carry the upset on as that will not achieve anything, the person who hurt me earlier apologised but I am still feeling pretty darn sore inside right now from what was said to me. I will continue to do some compassion practice for both of us right now and maybe a windy cliff side walk with Jasper will blow away some of the angst and cobwebs that I feel a bit entangled with this afternoon
Oh and I just read this and found it helpful.
Thoughts from Thich Nhat Hanh
Transforming our anger and suffering makes happiness possible. Without suffering there can be no happiness. We need mud to grow lotus flowers, otherwise they cannot take root. Our anger and suffering are the mud, we can use to cultivate happiness, compassion, and understanding If we know how to handle and transform our suffering, we will suffer much less. The mud will become lotus flowers. To generate compassion, you have to understand and embrace your own suffering. Don’t try to move your suffering away, Hold it tenderly like a mother holding her crying baby, and look deeply into it. Then insight can bloom. Each person has a lot of anger and suffering inside. When we don’t know how to handle our suffering, we continue to suffer and we can make other people around us suffer. When someone makes us suffer, our reaction is to want to hurt or punish them. But when we understand that others are already suffering, we don’t want to punish them any more. Listening to the suffering inside of you and inside of the other person allows understanding and compassion to be born. When compassion is born in your heart, it begins to heal and transform the anger and suffering in your heart and in every cell in your body