I just emerged from one of the worst panic attacks I’ve had, Jasper must have known something was up because the garage door roller door was open and he ran up to my neighbour’s place and brought her back to the front door, I was coiling around on the carpet in a mid attack when she knocked and managed to stumble to the door holding my heart and struggling to breathe she just supported me to the chair and then my attacks turned into sobs. She started asking about doctors which is not easy for me, I do not have a GP that I trust and I told her this, it may all be meant to be as she and her husband see a very good GP at the University practice and she told me she will give me his details, but despite all of this what is emerging for me is this crushing loneliness, I just do not see myself being able to keep on living with this absence of heart felt connections in my life, my heart is what is suffering in the panic attacks.
The bigger issue is that the last lot of money I sent to Scott has been blocked again, powers that be don’t seem to want me to be connected to the person who I am most felt by and connected to. In therapy today when I read a poem I wrote yesterday about my emotionally absence disconnected father I just found myself crying to the depths of my soul with my longing to be seen and related to by my father. I also sensed the deep disconnect and wound in him covered by silence.
Then I started to think that maybe I need to move away from here, maybe I need to go up and be closer to my dead sister’s family, at least they love and care for me, apart from this I see no one unless I reach out and that gets tiring. I try to reach out to my sister but she is struggling too. I was sad too as I asked my cousin out on the weekend for a coffee and she told me the only time she had was Sunday at 10 am, when her son turned up today to walk Jasper it turned out they had time to go to the Lifeline book fair across three days, but only a brief window of opportunity to meet with me at a time that was hard for me, that really hurt my heart, I am not going to hold a resentment but it did put a squeeze on my chest.
I know this might sound like a whinging post but I just cannot sustain this level of loneliness any more, living with this absence of connections is not doable for my heart and soul. And it really burns me that my brother who had the ability to help Scott and I a while ago would not help us when we asked, he would also not help my now dead sister’s second son move back to be closer to his mother, either in the 2 years before she died. I know if he and his wife and family were allowed to be closer, my sister would be alive now. She died of a broken heart and could not breathe any more, just like me. I know this because I know on the anniversary of Dad’s death they called me at about 7 pm at night to tell me my sister had been zoned out and unresponsive all day and asked me to go over, as soon as I sat by her bed and held her hand she came back. I think of how she was laid up there, drugged, thwarted and effectively abandoned for so many years, I think of how women have been judged ‘mad’ too for years if they were too full of life, angry or rebellious, its something that figured a lot in therapy today. And I am starting to read the book An Unquiet Mind, a memoir of living with bi polar and emotional repression figures as a huge theme throughout the book.
I drove to therapy today honestly contemplating a way to take my own life. I have not been this far down for quite some time. Something about seeing my sister yesterday and knowing she is being taken in a taxi today backwards and forwards from radiotherapy breaks my heart, something about contemplating the prospect of more years in a town where is so hard to get connected makes me feel there is no point, but I know that this is also depressive thinking. My therapist tells me I can always turn it around. I don’t know if its the build up to the full Moon at the moment but I am seeing what a lonely straight jacket I have lived in for a lot of my life. My inability to trust in life and the goodness of others plays a huge part of it, my angry rebellious go it alone character at times alienates others, but my therapist assures me I have needed this kind of ‘protest’ to stay alive and that those who know I am a truly good person will never choose totally sideline me for it, like that friend of my mothers. It still makes me angry to be so misjudged. It makes me feel like killing myself. That is how it affects me. Today is a hard hard day but maybe the full moon shining onto the sign of Cancer is just showing the emotional disconnection theme in our family write large. I don’t know but I know when I am feeling suicidal the best thing to do is to own it and write about it. At the moment I don’t see the point of being alive, I truly hope I can change this point of view soon. Maybe with the Sun and Venus in Cancer I need to call on the Good Mother for healing but at the moment I just wish to be mothered by someone, there I said it. I spoke the (for me) unsayable.