I am so appreciative to so many kind friends and followers here for reaching out to me today. I wondered today why the weight of the world seemed so heavy on me and I felt that yesterday taking my sister out I got pulled back into the very dark pit of my family history. I don’t want to say too much. I believe in astrology and full moon because if you think about it the moon exerts a gravitational pull on the tides and our bodies originate in single cell that is mainly fluid and we are composed of 70 percent water too. Also if you know a little astrology with Full moon in Capricorn moving up to oppose or shine light on The Sun in Cancer we have the sun in the moon’s sign which has to do with emotions, mothers, ancestral inheritance and the Moon in the sign of hard slog, and depression and despair, Saturn ruled Capricorn. On the positive side though Saturn rules the pruning of dead wood in order to encourage newer healthier growth in a plant and is the custodian or overseer of healthy boundaries.
In symbolism the mountain goat climbs a very harsh cold and stony mountain, often alone. Having a natal Moon Saturn conjunction I know that lonely stony (scapegoat) ground oh so well. My Mars is part of this combination and Saturn can rule blockages and suppression too. At times I have felt crushed by this force in life and many of you know I nearly lost my life in a very intense motor vehicle crash in the summer of 79. (a decade on from the year Brain Adam’s sang about so notoriously!) That repeated in a head injury in 2005 when I was breaking out of a fairly repressive marriage too and over the past week or so I have been holding onto my aching head in therapy sessions as experiences and deeply buried emotional truths and feelings in response to decades of repressive conditioning hammer away.
Today I also experienced a white cold rage towards a person who has played a huge part in diminishing me since my mother died. Its not easy to feel this level of rage which was like a wild fire but I do believe the freedom from our depression lies in acknowledging the painful emotion of anger that seems to be just so problematic in our society at large. Who amongst us growing up got help to deal with anger, self assertion, protests and boundary definitions in skilful, clean, clear, direct assertive way? Answer for the generations born prior to the 1970 probably not many of us.
I was doing a bit of a google search last night when I was feeling angry/sad and came across this excellent article on the role supressed anger can play in depression. I thought I would share it today in this blog.
I am a bit wrung out now and there is more I would like to write in this post but for now I just wanted to also say thanks to those who are on the exact same journey as me. I know so many of us undergo so much and suffer very very painfully at times, but there is light. For me at the moment that light is somewhat obscured, but I trust it will come back in time. As a lovely fellow blogger just shared in comments this journey is like riding an ocean and sometimes we do get over powered with the waves and find it difficult to ride the swell without getting totally sucked under or knocked over by a deluge, that is where I am today but I know if I hang in there it will pass. That said thanks to those who were here for me today. I really really appreciate you for reaching out to me.