I thought my body would explode with the pressure today, I went to visit my sister and ended up taking her to the nearby shopping complex to have 3 months worth of old Shellac nail polish taken off her toes. I needed to have my own toenails cut so I decided to accompany her there and we sat side by side while the somewhat rough Asian women who worked at the nail bar did their pedicure. As we were sitting there I cried silently for some of the time and even more after we went to have a cup of coffee and a bite to eat. There is a sense that the family we knew now is dissolving and that is just life, but seeing my sister so wan and pale and with so little energy of vital life force inside her was very very hard. I don’t really know how to articulate all of the feelings in this blog. I just saw today and felt so deeply the repression in my sister and I also saw so much helplessness. I am always looking for deeper meaning and sublayers too, though and I thought so much of my two parents who worked so hard all of their lives and never had much time for peace or rest. I thought of my father who died of stomach cancer and I thought of our remaining family all so divided and far away from us. I thought of my brother who never reaches out and shed a tear over that, and I just could not escape this deep deep feeling that our entire family history has a very tragic cast to it.
I must have spent about 3 hours with my sister but I was very conscious of the time getting later, that I had not walked Jasper yet and that the night closes in early, so I dropped my sister back to the hospital at about 3.45 pm and then made my way back. But the grief that broke open in saying good bye. It was as if I had been in a vice for the past 3 hours and when I left the person screwing the vice had stopped screwing it and my body was needing to unravel. I have been very conscious for some time now that of how much I supress my own life urges and energy, (all par for course with Mars, Saturn Moon) at times I am not conscious, for example that I need to go to the toilet but then I realise with a start I have just naturally dissociated. Also around my sister I just experience such a desire to give something or help in some way, but I am also aware of so much fear.
Anyway I got home and had pretty intense panic attack but I managed to bundle Jasper and I up into the car and get us out for a very late freezing walk by the lake, Jazzie ran around madly having been cooped up for most of the day inside, something I never feel that good about (that said he always has access to the outside of my place.)
I got some healthy vegetables to make a bake for dinner on the way home so I will go and prepare that now. I am glad I was able to be there for my sister today. I so often wish our history was so very very different to what it is, I think it is that wish and a kind of deep internal resistance to the ‘way things are’ (a sister who has been medicated for years and years and not allow to ex-press anything much – there is no personal or group therapy at all where she is right now, just ‘lectures’ which infuriates me) has kept me away from my sister. That said it is hard on these days to face the truth of how hard things are for my sister. She defers to everyone and doesn’t seem to have much power of her own, that said she is at least being supported at a time she has to undergo 6 weeks of radiotherapy and if she was at home alone she would not have people there caring and making sure she is supported by being transported there every day and the burden may fall to me.
I don’t truly know why I am writing this but as usual I come home to a dog and an person empty house, the thoughts about it all will then revolve in my mind and sometimes it helps just to get them out there. I am counting my blessings tonight, I have a roof over my head, money for a meal and in the more silent times I feel the support of the unseen. There are other dramas going on with regards to money I have to stay silent about that have made the last 3 days a living hell, but at the moment I am just trying to accept the Universe has decided the person who wants to support me cannot be here with me… its getting blocked each and every single time. So all I can do is battle on alone. All I can do is do the next right thing and try my very best to support and love my sister while also taking care of myself and my dog.