My ancestors often become a subject when I share in 12 step meetings. I am aware of the wounds carried alone the maternal line, because I have more information from Mum’s side of the family and just after I separated from my ex husband in 2004 I was informed by a woman who did inter generational healing that my older sister’s breakdown and psychosis, interment in an institution and return to us in Australia and then discard by her husband who then disappeared and left us with no contact with her four children all had a connection back to things that happened along the ancestral maternal line. Thomas had been left by his own wife at some stage following their immigration to New Zealand in 1874 and they lost two female children in the first year of life who bore the same name as my maternal great grandmother Eliza Jane Trudgeon. I found out a few years ago of the grief he carried over the death of his own mother at about 12 years of age.
I think of my sister now hospitalised. I am low on energy today as I chose to go to a 12 step meeting at 10 am rather than visit her today and I now feel a bit upset with myself. But this is the way it goes, I am trying to practice self care. I thought just a moment ago of my sister’s oldest son who tries to be there for his Mum but has wounded her too at times. I think of how I both long for and fear connecting with he and his three kids, for some reason I hit a wall when I think of popping over there just to say Hi.. I rang him a few weeks back before my sis was hospitalised again and he was as usual friendly but always very very sure of what is going on with his Mum, labelling it melancholy depression.
Anyway I just came across the following blog post from 2017 which as the year my Mum died on how we struggle to connect over emotional grief, loss and pain.
I am linking to it here as I have reblogged it once before. Still I get a lot out of revisiting these posts of mine a few years down the track from a new perspective. I often talk to my G G Grandfather Thomas Matts Trudgeon, it was his birthday a few weeks back and my G G Grandmother was a Cancerian and her birthday is soon too. I just don’t quiet remember the date offhand right now, but for some reason they are very very strongly on my mind today. I think of my own struggle to be committed in relationships and of the fears I feel at times of begin engulfed which can oscillate with abandonment fears. Mark Wolynn intergenerational trauma advocate talks of these carried fears or life scripts we can often carry that date to losses or leaving or accidents or injuries or death a long way back. He advises ways of working with the ancestors to give the energy of that damaging or separating belief back to them. Freeing the flow of love that to move forward and backward between us and others can be a life’s work for some of us who carry personal and intergenerational trauma and attachment wounds.