I seem to have developed a splitting headache this afternoon. I sometimes believe that I resonate on an energy level when someone in my family is going through something. The afternoon my mother fell down a flight of stairs on her own carrying my sister’s suitcase I was at the park with Jasper and felt this growing intensity in my body. I remember the fear I felt at the time as my sister had had several falls due to low blood pressure due to the meds she was on following her suicide attempt in 2013. Actually at that time I had to take home a bag with all of her things they had taken when the ambulance was called by Mum who found her collapsed on the bathroom floor at her unit. The white bag contained about 8 packages of different medications and when I googled some of them the side affects listed were anxiety and suicidal feelings.
Anyway my sister’s radiotherapy treatment was very much on my mind this afternoon. I wish I could calm myself down better and detach but she has been constantly on my mind this afternoon and did a stupid thing when I went out to get my shopping and had a second cup of coffee which has not really helped my head. I feel a bit like some one has taken a 4 by 2 to my head this afternoon. I came home in a state of anxiety and rushed around unpacking this after taking Jasper for a run around the block. I was so full of anxiety this morning I was not able to get out with him, managing breakfast took til 10.45 and I had to force lunch down.
Writing about all of this may be making things better or worse, I am not sure. Coming home to an empty house and having no one to talk to and being such an airy cerebral person at times is hard, often I collapse into tears after I get home. Anyway I will call my sister soon to see how she coped today. I also feel like connecting with my brother. Much as family hurts me at times with their distance I do long for the connection especially when someone I love is undergoing something tough. I hope my sister feels less anxious now she knows what radiotherapy is like but she has 28 sessions which is really a lot. She is in my prayers tonight.