I am feeling bursts of a lot of emotion today. I finally managed to connect with my sister yesterday afternoon. It is a lesson to me that when someone we love suffers from anxiety and depression and misses calls or doesn’t reach out I need to be unselfish at times and keep reaching and trying to connect, that said when we finally do get to spend bodily time together I find that my gut is in a knot, and I am not sure if its due to my own anxiety at wanting to help so much when I see what a super fearful shut down state she is in or that I am picking up on her anxiety as well.
Anyway it turns out she totally missed my call last Saturday (again!!) and I was hoping to invite her for dinner that night. I told her this when we finally connected yesterday afternoon when she finally returned my call from yesterday. Her first words were : “I am at the hospital.” I immediately panicked but it turns out it was the pre radiation set up for her treatment for the next stage of her breast cancer which will begin on 26 June. Having been through this myself I understand how painful it is, you have to wait for a very long time and try to do certain breathing exercises. They do a mock set up of how you will have to lie with one arm raised over your head as the machines zone in to do their work. In chatting it all through I did ask her was she considering the prospect of foregoing radiotherapy. I know my treatment has damaged my skin and I don’t know if the breathlessless attacks I get several times a day are related or just due to my own panic condition. Sometimes with all I know now I wonder if I would have gone through mine back in May 2016 knowing what I know now. However one of the good things was at that time people who knew me from the dog park stepped in to help me and before this time I was very very isolated, living alone seeing few people but my Mum and two sisters and everyone was either sick with a mental or physical condition during those years 2011 to 2016.
Anyway I invited my sis round for a cup of tea and then offered to make her a simple dinner. She is finding that she has to force herself to eat and I know how it is living alone and having to make all your own meals and my sister’s anxiety makes it hard for her to eat. “I can eat the food if someone puts it down in front of me” she said to me. I also did say to her that there are times we do have to push ourselves too while I recognise its not natural for to be eating alone every single night, it can get lonely. But sometimes if we want things to improve or feel better we do need to take some positive action even if its just making the effort to make a nice meal for ourselves.
Still my sis seems so flat and hollow emptied out at present, it really really worries me. It also makes me feel sad and I didn’t want to say too much so we just sat in silence after eating our meal and I just prayed and sent love to her silently and cried a little inwardly. Earlier I just hugged her at one stage and it was with real love and affection. We watched tv for a few hours and then she went home but toward the time of leaving she spoke about how she had outstayed her welcome. I felt so sad about that. I wish my sister felt worthier. It hurts to see her so anxious and so emptied out, I cried a lot about some things from the past after she left last night as I got ready for bed.
But it also takes a kind of a toll on me. I broke down and prayed to Mum and Dad this morning asking for their help. I was also given guidance from my higher power to try to believe in the goodness of others and that the world is a safe place where people do care. There is a force of love out there that wants good things for us but anxiety and depression just seem to block this force from manifesting for us so often.
I know my sister’s soul is in pain. I did a reading on the soul and selfishness today which I was guided to in Tian Dayton’s book and it spoke of how we only meet soul when we quietly drop down inside to meet ourselves. If we are always actively out there pursuing things in life we don’t often get to touch this realer place deeper place of soulful wisdom and nurturing inside of us. Deep inside my soul is where I go to in prayer, its where I connect to love, it is the place that realisations come from, its like an ocean that at times swells and then washes everything clear and clean with tears. I was in that ocean this morning as I felt some of my own helplessness over my sister. But at the same time I was so so glad I could just do something nice for her last night by making her a meal. That felt good and is a long long way from the resentment I used to feel over things from the past that are long, long gone now.