I was quite sad waking today and realising it was my grand niece’s birthday yesterday and that it had passed by without me acknowledging it. It made me realise the fractures in my family as a result of the trauma. I maintain perhaps the closest bond of any in my family with my nephew, her dad, the third son of my sister who died and I did call him on his birthday and he reminded me it was Lyra’s birthday on Thursday, somehow I lost track of the days. I had feelings of guilt too, I don’t really know why. All the trauma in my family is not my fault. Its just the way it is. I haven’t been able to make that trip north yet. Due to the injury I sustained after travelling overseas in 2005 and having a bad head trauma the thought of travel makes me feel unsafe but that belies the connection of longings I feel in my heart to we with my nephew and his daughter. I am actually crying writing this which is why I needed to vocalise it, even if it is just to the empty computer page.
I think of my sister’s torment in later years, confined as she was nearly all of the time to her bed at the care home. I would often take her out to the movies and when Mum’s health was better we used to take her out to lunch too. We had to order a maxi taxi for my sister’s wheelchair and then meet her at the venue. It was always so poignant at the end of these outings to turn and wave goodbye to her. She is gone from us now and out of her misery on the other side with Mum and Dad and Nana and Poppa and even Mum’s Dad who died when Mum was only 7 years old. I often wonder at times if they are watching me and its funny as I was just out for a walk and I stopped at the oval to sit down and check WordPress but the page on my phone would not load, instead my nephew’s icon started flashing so I just texted him apologising for not being in touch sooner and saying I would like to send up a gift. At least I tried. I will try to get my act together better next year I said in my text.
I know I can never put the fractured pieces of my family back together but I still want to honour the connection. I so rarely hear from anyone else these days. I just tried to call my sister again but no response I left it longer this week I contacted her three times last week but on Saturday she didn’t pick up, and neither did she today. Its all okay. Sometimes maybe I think its my destiny to move further away from family and do the inner healing work. I don’t seem to always relate in the same way, yet I know soul connections with family go deep.
I thought about going to an AA meeting this afternoon but I decided I may be better to just come home and connect inwardly with myself through writing yet another blog. I seem to be ‘got’ on WordPress in ways I am not in outer life. Scott always says to me when I express sadness over my lack of connection with my sister that we need to start our own family together. Maybe he is right. I just don’t know.
Out there in the world I often wonder how connected the majority really are. We can be in touch but not be connected with others then we can be surprised by connections that seemingly happen at random. I often have these brief encounters on my walks with Jasper, not so much this week. People I know who think in a spiritual way say no meeting is a coincidence, sometimes I find at the needed moment I just run into the right people. Its far better to follow this flow than keep lamenting when connections don’t happen as I want them to with whom I want them too. Today I am reminded that my will is not in charge but I still need to use it. Getting the balance right is not always easy, its a constant ongoing adjustment/fine tuning process.
There are many ways to connect. For me a walk in nature helps. Reading a great poem, sharing here, meeting a good soul friend, cuddling Jasper, reading, writing, dancing, listening to music. All these thing make me feel more connected inwardly than running around mindlessly out there trying to force or make connections happen that just don’t seem to.