Too messy?

I am not always sure if I am dealing with a helpful critic or a persecuting inner attacker at times. Today after an early morning walk with Jasper I was once again ‘in trouble’ inside my mind. Too many cobwebs on the old windows of my place, some of which are rotting. Too much dust on surfaces that contain bits and pieces of soulful things that I have as representatives of the inner world of myth that I love. I have a little shelf above the sitting chair near my entrance that leads onto the deck which has a print of a well known Waterhouse painting of the sirens luring a unsuspecting male passerby (may be a mythic figure : will have to check that out later) into the water. I have two ceramic fish on this shelf representing the symbol of Pisces with a host of crystals and shells, a little mermaid figurine, two ceramic candle holders together with a Beatrix Potter figurine of the letter D on this shelf.

I had to dust it today while I had an ongoing monologue going on from the inner voice telling me how inundated with ‘stuff’ I am and how much of the house is falling into disrepair (globalisation!!). Luckily I was having a coffee with a friend so I could get away from my inner thoughts circling round and round but what came up in the talk was the issue of being uncontained by parents, very much being left to our own devices as youngsters. This could have good aspects but is also part of emotional neglect.

In this day and age many parents are more ‘on the case’ with their children who are monitored, perhaps involved in myriad interests or activities. It is something my sis and I were discussing the other day after coming back from the art exhibition. How as kids we didn’t ever play with Mum and Dad, it was all about being neat and tidy, responsible and then being perhaps taken out on Dad’s boat past the headland on summer holidays, feeling seasick and longing to get back to the beach. Seems what we wanted as kids just didn’t figure much for Mum and Dad. And I am not sure my Mum would have much enjoyed these boat outings but maybe just went along with Dad to make him happy. Sue used to take piano lessons and was very good at it but the way the Nun’s treated her made her give it up. I loved dancing but gave up ballet lessons when they got to serious and structured. As a child I just loved freeform dancing and singing but was often told I was ‘too dramatic’. Years ago Mum said I should have got into acting or performance but that was a mixed message if ever there was one. I don’t ever remember being connected to or encouraged in anyway. Mostly both Sue and I were ignored or left to fend for ourselves while Mum and
Dad worked in a succession of businesses.

Anyway I was also thinking how being left to my own devices I foundered with finding a sense of direction and these days I like to just free float within my poetry and blog world amidst trips to the park or oval or walkways with Jasper where we do a little bit of exercise. I beat myself up for being self involved with the world between my ears and not engaging enough in life with a sense of purpose. At times I cry and founder in my feelings and feel that I will never be free of the past I have been working to understand for years but I know this is not true, its just down to the negative voices in my head always telling me to do better and not appreciating that I am doing my best to grow and find a purpose.. Or maybe it is already here and the critic just discounts everything?

Maybe I am just at that point where I am seeing much more about my life and my past. Maybe this is a time of critical change for me. The past 14 years following my marriage breakup and dissolution have been about the inward turning. Around this time transiting Saturn was in the twelfth house of my chart and it began to fall below the horizon in the next few years. It hit the nadir or fourth house cusp several years ago and I have read that this transit which usually lasts for about two and a half years is all about the deep internal reckoning with family and ancestral karma and that certainly rings true. Apparently when transiting Saturn hits the Ascendant and begin to fall behind the horizon line of one’s chart there is a necessary inward turning that needs to take place. When it begins to hit the Descendant we start to emerge and bring our focus out into the world more. That wont be happening for me for about two or more years, but lately I do feel an awakening happening.

I just have to watch the inner critic/persecutor at the moment. Not everything he says is bad or wrong, maybe in some ways he tries to point out to me my limits or things I need to work on or address. I felt quite inundated and powerless earlier in the week around my sister’s birthday. I just cried for much of Tuesday, but since then I have felt a bit of a shift in my energy. I see the longing I had to be seen and connect with my family and how frustrated that has been, but I am also realising that maybe on one level it is right that my nephew doesn’t include me in his family events. Maybe at this stage I am meant to be breaking away somehow. I would rather at this stage believe the Universe has my back. Everything that is happening, even the tough things may be in some way necessary for my forward growth. Maybe I am doing better than the inner critic gives me credit for.