On powerlessness

Most of us naturally don’t want to feel powerless over things and if we feel chronically powerless in our lives in every aspect that is often a sign we have been traumatised or abused. However if we were raised in dysfunction families of multi generational trauma, abuse, loss, neglect or addiction (which is nothing less than a coping strategy) it is true that as children we so often were powerless over the pain and dysfunction of the adults around us. But we may also be led to believe (and this is part of the egocentric view of the child) that we could have done something, should have done something, or that if we were only not so… stupid, young, or inept (supply other adjectives of your own choice here) things would not have been as bad as they were. Instead of having compassion for and grieving for our situation and extricating ourselves from trying to act and affect a change upon those things we were powerless over we may just keep trying harder and harder and end up feeling more of a failure exhausting ourselves in the process.

I have been in addiction recovery for over 25 years now but I wish I had got the fact that I was powerless over my family disease and pain much, much sooner than this, that said maybe I should be grateful I am getting the lesson at 57…. I still have some life left to live and its not always easy to face harsh truths.

Someone just left a comment on post I wrote yesterday about how accepting powerlessness over the things we cannot change is so important. At times saying or realising we need to let go can be very very hard. We have to realise our will is not in control and we cant indulge in what therapist and recovery writer Tian Dayton called dark narcissism endlessly either. In this situation we feel we are all bad and its a reverse form of inflation really as the truth is so much of life is random and outside of our control at times and we literally drive ourselves mad if we try to control the uncontrollable. I think at this point nature is showing us this lesson fairly starkly.

When technologies over ride nature we will end up bringing destruction upon ourselves. If we keep over running natural boundaries we will be cut back by the force of Saturn or the grim reaper. If we fight against flow, connection, necessary loss, powerlessness or decay we arrest a flow and become stagnant ourselves and then new life cannot come from old, when we refuse our sadness we miss our healing, as Marian Williamson reminds us in her book From Tears to Triumph.

Today after praying to my higher power I am seeing all the ways in which my own inability to surrender and let go when I needed to works against me. It stops me facing sadness that is a cleanser. It keeps me running or trying harder and forcing a result which is not meant to be. It is a form of insanity. I am realising that the best way for me to live is centred in God… I need the stillness and silence of my centre where I can tap into truths I just cant hear when louder voices surround me drowning out truth. In life now, so many people put on masks, there is not always care or compassion shown for other humans. It makes me sad to see this and its not something I want to be a part of. I know I have gone deep on my own journey. Facing my own shadow, limits and pain has not been easy at all but I am glad in many ways I have done it. I feel a bit like the caterpillar breaking out of its chrysalis now. I am not sure if my wings are yet strong enough for flight but I am trusting when the time comes I will know the next move to make. Piscean time can be a time of dissolution and letting go. I am feeling that very strongly today, for the next month I hope to stay centred in this place of surrender more open to intuition and inner knowing, more in a state of prayer. More in touch with the depths at this time of great change.