I am revelling in the airy Aquarian energy that seems to be around me since my birthday. The sense of newness did not come with the full moon, Wednesday was a shocker day for me, but as I look back it was a breakthrough day when I felt like I was in the birth canal being squeezed up inside but birthed as well. I caught up with so many people last week and made new connections. I have been quite social for me and I did a bit of a double take as I love my quiet introverted time and realise it works best for me if I have a balance now. Too much outward social time and my inner connection can be a little lost. I don’t know if I could ever live full time with another person again. But for the moment I am just SO GRATEFUL.
The mornings have turned so cool and fresh here. I am waking early and not having as much of a struggle getting up but I am so switched on etherically to my connections that today I awoke with a flood of energy just prior to a text coming through from my friend Karl and I actually went out and ran up and down my drive and felt the pumping of my heart just prior to it coming through. He has Sun conjunct Mercury and Uranus and I felt that surge I also feel with Scott who has Sun conjunct Mars Venus and Uranus just before he contacts me. I am very intuitive and psychic in this way, I am realising.
I am up now and showered and dressed (by 8 am!!!) and Jasper and I have been sitting quietly in the silence. I have been meditating and am now catching up on posts. It is such a beautiful start to the day.
There just seems to be such a beautiful energy around the past few days. My friend Karl sold me his bike and I am really looking forward to riding it this week and feeling the wind in my hair. Riding a bike with Jasper running along beside will be a new experience for both of us. Poems just flowed out of me yesterday. I am just feeling so grateful at present for feeling on the other side of that terrible heavy resistant energy. I found a link to an article on spiritual rebirth on Saturday and it was about the labour pains of the dark night of the soul, it really resonated for me as I feel that on some level I have been in a spiritual rebirth/emergence process for some years now. I feel intuitively that many of us are and it is said that on the path connections start to come to us at a certain point along the way and that has most definitely been happening for me over the past month, I have met some really interesting people and people from the past have been reconnecting with me too.
I am meeting a friend for lunch on Friday who I had a lot of conflict with back in the early days of my sobriety and I am feeling there is a real healing that is going to happen at this meeting. I just feel that life really does love me at this stage. I feel that I am a good person and I don’t have all that terrible shame and guilt and sense of badness that used to dominate me so much. Or at least I am noticing more when those shaming guilting voices make themselves known to me. Risking getting physically close to a man too is awakening some of my past trauma and I will share about that in another post later this week. Due to the invasions to my body that happened with my traumatic injuries from 17 onwards (and before as a child injured by parental neglect or perfectionism/OCD) I carry that imprint around being ‘penetrated’ opening myself up to take things inside me from outside of me. I don’t want to lose what I have been building over the past 12 or so years. A solid, balanced sense of myself, I never got to develop it in childhood and its taken years of therapy and hard inner work to get to here. I feel at the moment in a very good, strong, positive place. AND I AM SO VERY VERY GRATEFUL FOR IT!!!.
As an empath I do pick up on things too. I am noticing this more and more and that most of my issues have to do with boundaries too. It can be hard for me to hold onto what I want or need if it I feel it may ‘hurt’ others, but I am learning its not up to me to caretake other’s feelings at my own expense. Its far better to be honest. I also think there is a time for surrendering our boundaries to be close and it can be a fine line and a delicate dance or balancing act. As a sensitive we can struggle in ways that others just don’t and if we have trauma reaching out is very hard, but the price of staying locked up in our shells can be that we miss out on the beauty of connecting and learning more about ourselves, the world and others in it, taking the risk to grow, learn and make necessary mistakes that are a big part of living for those of us who lacked necessary support and empathy in childhood.