Well its latish at night here in OZ and I had a very very strange day of energy spins and grief today. I am not sure what was happening but the energy has been different since my birthday and I had a lot of intense out of the blue encounters over the past week connecting more with new people and people from the past and today the gardener came and I voluntarily asked him to cut back a mixed hedge very severely which is something that always triggers me. This hedge comprises honeysuckle and bamboo and another unindentified plant in some kind of strange mix and I had been neglecting its maintenance for a few years now and of course the inner critic was right on my case today, saying I should be ashamed of putting the gardener through such a big job (it took two trips to the tip to get rid of the offcuts) on such a hot day and wasn’t it time I whipped my butt into shape by not putting everything on the back burner.
It took a while to recover from that as well as all the other internalised negative dialogue and I didn’t manage any food until about 12 pm. After that I was feeling so spun out I did something I never do I got into bed at 2pm and fell asleep for an hour and I purposely abstained from coffee for the entire day. I woke up feeling so groggy and strange quite disorientated. It was hard to get my limbs moving. Prior to falling asleep I heard the inner voice telling me what a piece of scum I was and wouldn’t it just be better off for the whole world if I was dead. I just listened without arguing back. I can view it all objectively now.
I have also made a new connecting via the internet dating site and I had made a friendship connection with him. Scott doesn’t know about it yet but has said that if he isn’t coming home I should try to meet someone else. Well my new friend and I connected and I have been clear I am not up for more than friendship at this stage but even just connecting to someone who is so warm and offering unconditional support is a bit of a trigger for me. We talk a lot and he was very in love with someone who it is just not possible for him to be with so in a way both of us are in the same boat.
After we chatted I went out to clear up the mess that the gardener didn’t get time to clean after cutting back the hedge and this was around the time of day of my second accident when I usually experience panic or spin attacks and the thought that kept going over and over in my mind was that I was still a baby stuck in my mother’s womb trying to get born but being held back up inside. I felt all the intensity around my head and neck and then came inside and the spins started up again. But Jasper and I finally managed a late trip to the oval to throw the frisbee around and I finally managed to make dinner an hour later. Phew we actually got through a day that felt like I was swimming through thick black treacle today.
On a positive note, I listened to a really good video by Louise Hay before going to sleep last night. I am going to post the link to it bellows as it contains a lovely meditation with the inner child as well as the inner children of both your mother and father. Louise healed herself of cancer and states that most illnesses come out of a state of unforgiveness or self loathing. I am not sure how true this is but I found the meditation soothing to listen to before going off to sleep and I love the idea of shrinking the image of our inner child and placing him or her inside our heart along with the inner children of our parents after connecting to them all in forgiveness and love. (If you don’t have time or the inclination to listen to the entire 27 minutes of this the inner child part of this meditation starts around 14 minutes in.)
I feel so much more forgiveness for both my parents lately. Things they did really hurt me and made my life far harder than it would have been with unconditional support, but I also know they did the best with what they knew. Maybe the inner critic amped up a bit today in response to the love the video suggests we try to shower on ourselves. I hope it is of some benefit to followers.
If your day is just starting wishing you a very happy Wednesday, if it is finishing I wish you too a peaceful rest. Today was a big one for me. The Moon is in Pisces at the moment so that oceanic feeling of it being hard to find reference points and submerged within the personal and collective/ancestral unconscious struggling to be free is often strong for me when it is. I hope for more energy when the Moon shifts into Aries in around 30 hours time.