After a crippling day of trauma and blockage yesterday which I wrote about but did not feel safe enough to share about here, I am wondering why forces of darkness block so much the force of love and deep emotional truth on this planet? I have a feeling its all down to fear and emotional repression, fear of our light, so we make it dark. Apparently as a kid I was ‘naughty’ for having a will and a spirit and wanting to express it, also wrong for trying to take actions of initiative like getting a new box of tissues out of the cupboard at school. Sister Rita gave me a roasting for that back in second grade. How dare I????? How dare I feel what I felt, know what I know, love what I love and want what I want and act to get it??? And didn’t I know I should be scared of all that feeling?
So how is it that now so many of us are RUNNING SCARED, SCARED TO FEEL WE RUN OURSELVES RAGGED!! I see people running on my walks with Jasper who are like skelton ghosts, the pain and self censure is written all over the expressions in their face, there is no joy in their eyes they are not inhabiting a fully alive body but then again neither am I at times, at times I am trying my hardest to put my own repressed life force back in its box.
I got in trouble yesterday trying to stand up to the bank who thinks THEY HAVE THE FUCKING RIGHT TO FREEZE MY FUNDS BECAUSE I AM A VULNERABLE POWERLESS LITTLE WOMAN WHO IS BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF WHEN THE TRUTH IS ITS THE FEAR AND LACK OF TRUST AND HURT OF ONE BANK MANAGER GUY WHO FUCKING BLOCKED THIS FINAL MONEY TO GET MY BOYFRIEND HOME ON 18 DECEMBER HAS FUCKING CAUSED ALL OF THIS. IF THAT MONEY WENT THROUGH MY PARTNER WOULD NOT BE FACING 30 MORE MONTHS OF JUNGLE WAR FARE (and yes I can hear the skeptics of you out there tut tutting) but what scammer offers to send all the money back you sent previously to this last amount required and is pleading with you to do it. BELIEVE ME I HAVE BEEN SCAMMED BEFORE AND THIS IS NOT HOW THEY OPERATE.
Its risky posting this. Part of me thinks just shut up about it. How can I change it? I can`t unblock my money at the bank. The only thing I have IS MY VOICE.. IS MY LION OR REBEL YELL!!! SO HERE GOES!!! I have other money I cant get access to in some months, the bank is allowing me only a minimum amount at present all else has to be done via me providing valid receipts for goods, repairs or services I need and then they will deign to do me a bank cheque. I am FUCKING ANGRY BUT IF THE SYSTEM SAYS THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS THIS IS WHAT THE FUCKING SYSTEM DOES. Its loveless. It truly is. I am having a huge dummy spit today. No one much believes me but my GUT DOESNT LIE. My loved one and I are sure as eggs not meeting any time soon and at this point I don’t know if his love of me is strong enough to survive this, for me its opening up all my blockages and fears to be liberated so all I can do is surrender, attacking anyone wont get me anywhere. I just have to keep my heart as open as I can right now to trust and love and even if hopelessness steals in as it is I will just say yes to it but I wont let it cripple me. I HAVE JUST COME TOO TOO FAR TO BE BROKEN BY THIS. If I HAVE TO WAIT 30 MONTHS FOR HIM I WILL (provided he survives the evil of repression over there he is fighting against!) I HAVE JUST BEEN CRYING MY HEART OUT ALL MORNING. PLEASE PRAY FOR US.