All my fault

Thanks so much to everyone for your emotional support on my post today with the dramas with the bank. I just got back from therapy and what I did not share in my post was that when things did not turn out the way Scott wanted he basically shamed, blamed and abused me for everything going wrong. I was wrong for telling the truth, for not making the bank give me my money and wrong for holding out fake hopes that we would meet. He just slammed me hard, just as my inner critic does all of the time and my body is actually vibrating writing this as none of what happened was my fault and all and in a post I wrote yesterday but was not brave enough to share after he left me after shame dumping me I was on the floor in a pool of tears and snot crying and crying. Jasper had retreated to the other room and was just watching his Mum and what I was crying out from the depth of my soul was ITS NOT MY FAULT.

All my life I cared for others and I saw their pain. It was from a very young age I was defending the underdog. I stood up to school friends on a trip to the red light district of the cross when they were being nasty and judgemental about prostitutes. I see this as a fight for the light of not letting my fellow humans be denigrated. It used to get me in trouble with my ex when I used to stand up for those who had tortured histories. According to him such people should be given the death penalty, there was no mercy at all to be shown. Well this is how it felt yesterday when I was being blasted when all I ever tried to do OUT OF THE GOODNESS OF MY HEART IS HELP.

And yesterday after I managed to get up from the floor I just thought this final thing with Scott is showing me the end of a pattern. I arrived at therapy today in floods of tears just saying today it was like I am hammered all the time from either internal or external abuse at times. And I have all of these terribly painful body contortions as I try to live up to what the critic says while my true self my real self literally feels like she is chocking or being strangled and I finally see for how many years I have been trying to break out of forces of repression and then making my real self feel bad and wrong. Mo matter how hard she tries its not good enough and that was being externalised yesterday and I need to take firm stand with the person involved to say I will not ever be treated in this way again. Fair enough it came out frustration on the person’s part, but its definitely not okay. I am just so stick of being beaten up from without and within.

And I am also realising that maybe that everything happening with the bank was for my own protection. Maybe agreeing to help people who feel powerless all of the time is not helpful for either of us, maybe sacrificing my own life, serenity and peace just so I WONT BE ABANDONDED is not good at all. I get into a terror spiral at the whiff of someone leaving and I was just listening to the following lyrics in Robbie Williams song Handsome Man where he sings “if you drop me I’ll fall to pieces on you, if you don’t see (need) me, I don’t exist” it seems a perfect expression of how it feels to live without a solid sense of one`s own self and esteem and to suffer from terror of abandonment and I clearly experienced today that when I sacrifice myself to be loved then the child in me is so bitter, angry, sad and betrayed and that goes into my body and comes out it a twisting or panic attack. It was not fair to have some say fuck you and fuck your bank as well as I am the cause of everything going completely wrong but in some strange way it was all an externalisation of my own inner voice. So folks don’t pray for Scott and I to be together. Pray that he finds the responsilibility to see out his deployment whatever comes and stop the manipulative comments “well if you don’t hear from me something really bad happened” “Oh but you don’t really care do?” What the hell this isn’t love. its fear, guilt, tripping and manipulation. AND IF IT HAPPENS I WILL NOT BE RESPONSIBLE. THE BANK WILL.

Published by: emergingfromthedarknight

"The religious naturalist is provisioned with tales of natural emergence that are, to my mind, far more magical than traditional miracles. Emergence is inherent in everything that is alive, allowing our yearning for supernatural miracles to be subsumed by our joy in the countless miracles that surround us." Ursula Goodenough How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture pf Deborah Louise and in any case it would not be the full truth of me. I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to express some of my random experiences, thoughts and feelings, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships. If anything I write touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out and expressung ourselves is hopefully to connect with each other and find where our souls meet.

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29 thoughts on “All my fault”

    1. It did I think its just because he is feeling so hurt and disappointed and frightened because things are getting tougher there. but its still not okay to dump it on me. Therapy really helped. Thanks again Carol Anne you are such a kind friend. love you lots… xoxo

      Liked by 2 people

  1. I understand all of what you have said Deborah. I am glad that you have seen the manipulation. It had to be seen. But sad for you that it happened. And so sad for you that you have this paralysing fear of abandonment. I revignise it because I have it too. It is the most painful thing in the world. But for myself, I know that it will ALWAYS come, so I am prepared for it. I have learned to be alone with my own self. But it is a very hard thing to do. I am not sure how I came to thismpount, and I am not going to say it doesn’t hurt still, because it does. But I havenlearned that the only person I can trust with me is me. I think it is a VERY hard world that wenlive in. People have very little caring or respect for others. I still haven’t figured it alk out. But I guess I am getting there. And in the end each inenif us is aline. We akk have to die aline, awfuk though it sounds. Inky WE can make that journey, and it isbthenuktimate in ababdinment, and I often winder uf fear of abandonment is really fear of death. It is the ultimate dying of our “me.”

    I am sad that we have to go through these traumas Deborah. You write about them so well. God bless you my dear friend xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think it is so true what you wrote Lorraine. We do have to face the fact that we are fundamentally all alone. We come into this world and we are dependent on others good or ill treatment. As babies we cannot fend for ourselves. and we all know the damage to a soul of hostile or psychologically murdering parents and this sets us up later in life WITH NO GOOD BOUNDARIES AND A HEAP OF BODY PAIN THAT I BELEIVE GETS SOMATISED INTO ILLNESSES. From here on in we get set up to be abandoned again due to a pattern (at least that is how I see it). I do not think everyone will abandon us but everyone will at some time have to stand alone and face their existential aloneness. Scott needs to face this too at the moment. I tried to help him so much it is just sad that forces of society mistrust and try to protect, sometimes protection is good but sometimes its a defence. As we both know life is not easy.

      I really admire your depth of spiritual insight Lorraine. I feel SO VERY VERY BLESSED TO CALL YOU MY DEAR FRIEND. Love and hugs to you always honey <3<3<3


  2. If it happens only HE will be responsible – nobody can ever blame someone else for that – ever – no matter the circumstances.

    I know first hand how painful it is to see the cruel and manipulative ways people we love treat us. Once you see it I think it shocks you to your core and then you grieve a bit then you start bargaining again… get angry… get depressed…. grieve a bit… I think this happens over and over again until you are healed. I wish it was an easier process.

    It is not okay how he’s made you feel regardless of the why. I’m so sad for you that you feel like that.

    As for the utter fear of abandonment I’ve spent nearly 5 years in therapy for the same fear. I had no sense of self and used to be guilted and manipulated by lots of people around me, mainly my mother but also “friends” and boyfriends -it’s a slow process rebuilding your sense of self but it’s worth every single tear and every piece of heartache.

    Here with you xxx

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Yes it really is isn’t it TT? Because in the end that pain brings us home and it makes it clear what we absolutely must do to take care of ourselves. I personally know how hard you have been working with similar wounds.

      Also I wondered if you would grant me access to your blog. Now that it is password protected I cannot access it and I really miss reading your posts.

      Thanks so much for your insightful validating comments.

      Much love


      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh Deborah, I didn’t realise you couldn’t read anymore!! My blog is open again but I am protecting certain blogs as I have suspicions a family member has been reading. Can you drop me a message using the contact page on my site? If you can I will send you the password? Would like you to be able to read.

        I think for people with our history, self care is such a foreign idea. Taking care of ourselves and saying no or not putting up with people dumping on us is not an option… until it is the only option. I feel thick skinned compared to how I used to feel and now I look back and it actually makes me angry what I put up with! Xx

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Well if you have got to that thick skin place I really congratulate you. I am still trying. I just feel so sad about what I put up with but anger would be better as it would mean I erected stronger boundaries which I struggle to do.

        I will try that method to connect via the contact page. I tried to request access but it didn’t work. I understand the need for protection though.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. If it helps at all, this is the first time in those 5 years I’ve felt any anger whatsoever!! T has been trying her upmost to get it out of me but I only had heaps and heaps of sadness and heaps of guilt and heaps of bargaining – trying to persuade myself it wasn’t true etc. This really is the first time I’ve felt anger and this feeling is very new so don’t worry about not feeling anger yet. I think some of us were programmed not to be in touch or express our anger and it takes a very long time to change that!

        Last year I spent many months feeling like the guilt was so horrific that it wasn’t worth it – that it would be better to just go back to how things used to be than to feel the guilt. To be honest that was the hardest stage for me – t kept telling me it was just a feeling and that I could acknowledge the guilt but not do anything to change it (I.e. not give in to those people). It was so tough. But now I feel my boundaries are rock hard and that’s because it’s actually what I truly want now and not just what I am being told I should do if that makes sense?
        It’s a bit like a smoker quitting smoking – you are told it’s bad for you and you know that to be true, but it’s still hard to stop…. and you have to fight and fight and you might cave and then start again but eventually you don’t want to smoke anymore. Not sure if that makes sense?

        The only problem with the anger I’m feeling at the moment when I think of certain things is that my anger kicks in so fast (in place of the guilt) that I spend days or weeks angry when I see how someone was trying to manipulate me – LOL!! One day perhaps there will be a middle ground but I’ve not found it yet!! Xx

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I have read that when you first start to set boundaries its normal for you anger volume to be about 200 percent because its been stuffed down for so long, so if its any consolation I am sure in time things will balance out for you,

        You are making great progress and doing lots of good work. Keep it up.


  3. “I need to take firm stand with the person involved to say I will not ever be treated in this way again.” – Making this realising is a big thing, but it saddens me so much when someone so caring and generous gets treated like this because I’d hate for you to become cynical and bitter as a result of your efforts getting thrown in your face. I don’t think you will, but I think proceeding with a little more caution to the effect of putting yourself at the top of your agenda is a good way forward. You deserve a heck of a lot more. Some people are spiteful, out for themselves, vindictive and plain awful. Stand firm, you will not be treated like that, it’s not okay, and you do not need that in your life. He is not your responsibility and you are not his verbal punching bag.  ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
    Caz xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I just texted this to him this morning cause he keeps saying “this is all my fault for trusting someone I met online”??? what the fuck. Also “well if you don’t hear from me any more I died” I just said this morning please stop telling me you might die.. its part of what you sign up for as a soldier. I am fucking sick of it. Hugs Caz. xoxox


      1. He’s trying to play on your goodness, tugging at the heart strings, so to speak. It’s one big guilt trip and it’s nasty. You shouldn’t be made to feel like that. He’s a grown up, he should act like it. I have to be blunt here because, yes maybe he’s not in a good situation from what he says, but this is totally unfair on you. xxxx

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Plus he knows I have a soft heart and at times I just roll over and take the blame. Its my old pattern cause in my family I wasn’t allowed to be angry and set boundaries I had to collapse them to keep love (sadly). Really appreciate your support. xoxo


  4. I have been following your story and posts on and off and these two struck me hard. I’ll only make one response, though it was initiated by the other, first post. What I am finding lately is that, as I make it a dedication every day to assess energy and situations clearly, and stand up for myself, that I find myself in this weird (for lack of better words) shuffle of People playing Roles and there is not much we can do about our Roles for the most part unless we really want to freak out, or drop out. For me case in point was today at the library.

    All I wanted to do is make photocopies and it was one people-problem and one machine-problem after another. First, I needed more quarters for my job. When I approached the front desk, where I was directed from the service desk to, and asked, it was like I was speaking another language to them. They looked at me with blank faces, like I was either asking them something they had never heard in their life, or asking for the world, or whatever. I had to rephrase and elaborate a few times. They asked me all sorts of questions that pointed toward that they didn’t understand that their own machines took quarters, and about the exact amount I needed (how should I know? I am not done with the job yet LMAO) Eventually I got snappy and said, “it’s not that big of a deal. I just need change for your machine.” When I was shuffled to the person holding the register, the first person sort-of apologized, and said something about them usually being finicky about the register. I can’t imagine why, but whatever. Money in hand I go back to my machine, that has now canceled the multi-page, 2-sided, 3-set job I had initiated. So I went back to the service desk, and they sent me a young woman from the back. She also, even though standing in front of the machine, seemed to be in another world. She asked me questions about the papers that had already come out (irrelevant), and our conversation devolved into us just looking at each other. For some reason, “the machine canceled my job when I went to go and get more money; how do I get it back?” caused the entire world to go into a fog, causing me to having to repeat elements of that same simple sentence. She asked me if I wanted a refund (which I said no to, even though I DID want a refund for another 30c problem I encountered before, but I was not about to bring that up because I knew adding another issue would cause these people’s heads to totally frazzle out, eliminating any chance of anything being resolved at all) and eventually I got snotty with her too: “i already told you that. You aren’t listening to me.” “Yes, I am hearing you” (hearing not being listening, of course, and regardless of what one says, reality is often different). We made very strong eye contact in that moment. And after that, I got my answer shortly: eventually she told me that I couldn’t get the job back, and I asked her, why didn’t you tell me that from the beginning? She told me, she didn’t understand the problem. I said thanks and she left. Then, after figuring out what was missing from the job, I set up what I needed for the rest of the 2nd set (I was not about to set up for a 3rd – I’ll go back another day when I have other documents I need to copy as well), the machine decided to eat my money without registering it, or responding to my machine-hits. So I went to the desk AGAIN and they sent yet another helper out, and she hit the machine, resulting in the money going through, plus an extra 25c that I didn’t count. I don’t know if it was mine or from somewhere else, but I accepted it as the 30c refund that I never even asked for.

    So, such a mundane and convoluted story, but the essence of finding that the masses of people have this weird FOG over their beings, that straight talk of simple requests like “can I have change” and “can I get my print job back” makes them go into some very bizarre state. I have talked with close friends about this phenomenon, and it is not limited to clerical requests. Someone I know once got quietly and very seriously, after being pulled to the side by the owner, banned from a restaurant years ago. There was no explanation. This was while he was making 6 figures as an architect, and it was a quiet business meeting. He was a clean cut white male at the time, and from the story he told me, so was the restaurant owner. People don’t need a real reason to get bent by our energy. It is, simply put, our energy! They can’t explain it. There’s nothing outright that we are doing in the world (besides maybe acting in a role that is requesting clerical help, but so are dozens of people a day in these situations) that is out of line. We just find ourselves, on the course of life, into “necessary” interactions that force us to communicate with people who may have chosen, a long time ago, to have a brain of sugar glaze.

    It’s like that phenomenon sometimes referenced of that “a family member can say something to you every day but you only finally hear it from a stranger.” Except it has nothing to do with family or strangers. It has to do with the energy that we radiate (that is probably both inborn, from one’s natal cosmic imprint, and cultivated by choice over a life, indeed). Someone else with different energy could have said or requested the same thing with no problems.

    Of course, that is an explanation taking it a little personally.

    The next level is that, as we navigate the world and our life and these blocks come up, as you said, we find that those blocks are there for a reason, either a significant reason, or just simply, it isn’t the right “time.” I feel for you that you had to experience this breakup in such an emotionally painful way.

    I felt so upset for a couple of hours after I played the “snappy library patron.” Even during my meditation practice I prayed for forgiveness from the All as well as the lady whose eyes I met, and a few other people. Indeed, I can see that just as I can see THEIR suppressed connection to their authentic will and voice, to their cognitive reasoning, and general initiative, and how all of that is so beaten into how so many of us were raised in this time, I can see all of that in me, except I am just at a different stage in the healing process, and for me, it was the anger having no choice but to be expressed. Yes, it is angering to have to deal with people who, though they know English and keep jobs, have never really learned how to ENGAGE! The failure of their attempt to understand the simple words really has nothing to do with the words at all. It has everything to do with their inability to connect energetically. I can speak the same “words” as someone else, but perhaps my words are laced with too much?

    and then now I remember last night for me… perhaps we are on the same wavelength in many ways… I had been talking with an acquaintance that I had made years ago about me moving down to where he is so we could both work on the land he bought as a permaculture. Things were going well, and I had packed my car days ago to go take a visit and check it out, but something was keeping me back. Then, yesterday, we had two phone conversations, and I could sense that the energy was weird. What he was talking about sometimes, I felt as though he had no care about whether I cared about it or not. I was just a replaceable figure in his conversation. But it got worse later on, during the call we had at night. I had asked him previously for his full legal name so I could verify his background before driving 1000 miles to meet him (as a former domestic violence victim I must know who I am getting involved with, past a certain point of dynamic). He failed to do that so I gently asked him again, and it was like within 5 seconds he went from normal, to projecting. He accused me of having intent to “make him want to kill himself” because his real first name was used to abuse him, and of being “more toxic than the people who gave him PTSD.” And this being after I had told him that I was in recovery with PTSD and C-PTSD. I told him, no, that is NOT the case, I just need to verify my safety, and it is a non-negotiable request. I had already told him I would only call him by the name I already knew him by. So, what happened was, the authenticity I was putting out, triggered something in him. He could not hear me, however I said it, that I had no intent to hurt him, I just was a fellow person in recovery from abuse that needed to know who he was. I had to hang up on him and it continued through text, with him bombarding me faster than I could respond, repeating these same false beliefs. Yes, I am very glad that it happened “now” (then?) because can you imagine if these demons would have come out after so much more of an energy outlay? I knew in the beginning he was getting too “entwined” with me, treating me like we were already in a relationship, when, well, I didn’t even know his real name! He was just a little TOO “caring” and willing to share parts of his daily life with me specifically. I was also struck by one time recently when he called my phone while I was, erm… “in the midst of self-exploration,” and what I felt from that, was that for some reason he was attuned to my sexual energy, picked up on it from a distance, and that was the core of the connection. I was not interested in that with him at all. Of course, he never knew about his timing. But, reading the story metaphorically, it makes sense. We have to be careful. If there is something special about our energy (well, at the very least, we cultivate a life of healing path, which makes us vessels for healing and power), it also makes sense that others who may not be where we are, would want to latch on. There may not be any malice involved, just one who lacks, seeking from one who has. Who knows what sorts of inner worlds and perceptions others may have? No, I don’t want someone I don’t really know, inching and casting their way into my private world! Once you give someone that “in,” if you are not seeing them in person every day (or if you do not already have a past in-person rapport) then timelines can get twisted really fast.

    Yes, I sort of knew deep down I guess that it was not going to work, but, like the story you are sharing, it seems that these “story arcs” need to reach their “climax” for us to really see what is truly going on. Indeed, if we are committed to healing and truth, people that are not able to match what we are ready to do, will show their true colors, allowing us to detach, OR the universe will just simply keep them away, as in your case.

    I hope that you are dealing with this revelation well. You certainly have a whole lot of people who are supporting you, and your sharing of your experiences the way that you do is inspiring… I am encouraged to continue my path and continue to open up and share, to let that shame balloon go, while following your very open-book writings.

    Love and peace to you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow this really resonates with me so much I just want to pop off this first quick reply as there is so much within this to address. I really feel latched onto by others at times. This guy Scott online is a case in point. He is finally going to get all that other money I sent to him back to me but every second thing he says is well its my fault for trusting someone I met online and I love you but I may die here so if you don’t hear back just know I died. Its really getting to me. I just told him that its his responsibility for signing up and can he please not tell me all the time he might die I am well aware of it despite this I still feel guilty due to low self esteem,

      Also your entire encounter at the library shows how shut down many people are who operate in systems. And life is getting so goddam remote and complex things no longer run smoothly.

      I really appreciate you connecting with me here. I want to give what you wrote a longer consideration that it deserves. I am glad you pulled back from the final situation with the guy who is still very traumatised. Once we start to heal trauma or at least become more aware of it we start to become magnets for others with trauma. I think it has to do with the light of the inner child that starts to shine free of the shit put on us. And that some of us came to heal and move back to the light and be a light for others but darkness will then pull on us, if that makes any sense? Much love and peace to too. ❤ ❤ ❤


  5. I am so glad you are getting your money back. That is a real relief. It definitely is risky, dealing with people you have never met in person, or have only met a long time ago. Anyway, let that guilt go! He isn’t holding you to anything, and he has made it very clear what his stance and feelings about the whole thing are! Some guy in the military isn’t your responsibility! Simple. & I don’t think it was necessarily your “trusting someone you met online” that was the problem. His trustworthiness doesn’t seem to be on trial, but instead, his emotional commitment, and ability (or lack thereof) to not turn the situation into a blame-game. Methinks the best course of action in situations like that is to be as businesslike as possible, and simply don’t discuss anything but necessary logistics if there is ANY emotional strife. Like what you were saying about the inner light…it is said, and I have experienced this, we actually emit MORE energy when our emotions flare up. It’s the whole “don’t let them get a rise out of you” thing. Grey rock, baby.

    Yes, “how people operate in systems…” that phrase nails it. Wish I could have come up with it myself 😉 I agree. So many have gotten so lost in the systems of things, outsourcing, compartmentalizing, etc, that the softness is “hard” to come by. Perhaps with Saturn in Cap now for the past few months these issues are showing up.

    Yes, I can be really long winded at times… lol… I just read my original reply again and omg… no way for there to ever be enough time or energy for me to write everything I want to sometimes!!! Thank you for reading it and engaging!

    This recovery stuff is definitely a doozy. I wrote to a good friend the other night about Traumatized Guy, “the recovery scene is treacherous.” Not necessarily in the sense of “others are likely to betray you” necessarily, but in the sense of “very risky and filled with landmines.” I have been on both ends – the person in recovery that wants to help heal the other one in recovery, and the one who is being offered “too much” help by someone else in recovery who isn’t ready to do that. In either case, what happens when either person is triggered, the other one also becomes triggered, and if they allow it to bounce back and forth more than a couple of times, it can get seriously brutal and result in arguably much worse trauma, because then the support group is toxified and damaged, no longer sanctified or at least safe, often beyond repair. I have never, ever seen or experienced a “trigger fest” end well unless one of the people immediately ghosts or somehow otherwise totally disengages (not really possible in very close or already toxic relationships but you get the point).

    By recovery I mean from any number of things – abuse, addiction, trauma, mental illness, etc… all different but yet in many ways all the same, and often intertwined.

    Without really feeling someone out first, over a reasonable amount of time, especially in person, I am continually learning more and more to “stick to my own recovery” unless the other person shows me that they are able to handle being able to be on equal footing, and disengage if things get too heated or emotional.

    Yes… we become magnets… and of course, that is not bad! I mean, it leads to very positive interactions (for example us dialoguing about trauma and recovery). But yes, a bright light shining will attract many things. I am not sure how I feel about the whole lightness/darkness stuff… though I tend to see things from more of a balance perspective. We have day, and we have night…I try not to place value judgement on that dichotomy. But I know this language is limited, and I think I see what you are saying. It’s like tests. As we move forward in the healing process we are going through, we come into contact with others who bring experiences that help us to fine-tune our approach. We can learn from others who we attract, by how we respond emotionally to their stuff, and how we choose to respond in action. I am learning to choose to take my leave, and let other people go through their own stuff. That shit ain’t mine, yo.

    To punctuate this thought process that could continue for a while… I think that it comes down to not forcing, not trying so hard. Although situations of much different depth and timeline, we both were ready to invest in a huge amount of travel for a chance at a dynamic that was not yet a part of our daily in-person life.

    It was weird for me because I could FEEL this guy’s energy paralleling mine. We were even working almost the same exact gig job. So, we should be compatible, right? no… and yet another reminder that just because someone is involved with the same stuff, doesn’t mean they are truly a good match. Perhaps for people that aren’t as sensitive, and by choice or circumstance live a more superficial life. But if similar interests were enough, all people would get along with all of their co-workers and blood family but that seems to rarely be the case!!

    Indeed the more we shed the fetters and let the light shine, the more people will be attracted, the good and the bad… so I am seeing that this healing path is not only about healing, but about protection. A healer must be a warrior, too. This isn’t like World of Warcraft where you’re probably either one or the other… if we want to stand on our own two feet we must be able to do both for ourselves…. and learn how to say “No, I love you but I don’t need you!” We are being protected by higher powers, that is for sure…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. So agree about the need to be a warrior. Have you heard of Kyle Grey He is a Scottish Guy who wrote a book Light Warrior. I like a lot of what he says.

      Yes when I said we carry the light I think that means we are happy with the dark stuff or have had the courage to enter it. We can then show others that we can go into the dark and survive it to excavate more of who we truly are that got buried there and what we may have to excavate may be collective as well as personal.

      I had a big trigger fest many years ago with a long time sober member in my recovery area. She was a head of me by many years but we went away to this retreat and I got activated by some of the energy there and when I spun out she got all upset and angry with me and started making all of these accusations. It was painful and we never fully came back from it but in the end she did apologise for many of the nasty things she said which actually came out of her own stuff. So yes, it isn’t easy and we can act as mirrors all the time or be used as projection screens by others, this happens a lot between empaths and overt narcissists, at least in my experience they often dump their shadow on us.

      Yes love and need. If we are an adult we really just need our own love and the love of life force, we can only then love in a way that sets other free to be themselves rather than trying to possess or lay claim to them. I know I was a clinger at times in the past and I had to learn more about connecting to my own power. I was the youngest child in my family so often I played that role in many of my relationships.

      I love your long comments. Thanks so much. I am getting a lot out of reading what you have written. Really appreciate the connection here.

      Liked by 1 person

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