Big sigh as I contemplate that above title. Its so hard now with all the scamming and other evils out there that now protections are in place, I know in one way it is good but the other day a cheque I tried to deposit was frozen and they suspended my entire account on suspicion of fraud all because it was for a large amount, it was from an inheritance and the call from the bank just caused such stress as they just closed down my account again with no warning and all. It took two calls and 50 minutes on the phone to rectify the situation and I had to miss Thursday’s therapy appointment because of it. On top of this all the uncertainty I have suffered from connecting with someone on line since last April has caused me such stress. I am trying to handle reactions of distrust, suspicion and fear but its not easy and I just long for no longer having to communicate with someone over a device. I am almost at the end of it and I said as much today but its going to be so sad to let this go, because I know in my heart connection is the thing that keeps my blood pumping. I used to think I should sustain myself alone. That I needed to take care of myself, even remove myself from a painful world so as not to be subjected to things but I went for complete withdrawal at one stage and when I had my second accident the head injury I sustained affected me so badly no one who did not go through it would understand. That was 13 years ago and I have struggled to establish some security or equilibrium since then without much success all of the time. And I was pulled around for years by the illnesses of two sisters and my aging Mum.
As many of you know my older sister died in 2014 and Mum in 2017 so its just my other sister and me but she doesn’t reach out so its up to me. In my Al Anon group I used to attend we had a saying “Let it Begin With Me” what that means is that I cannot always wait for the world to come to me or bemoan I am not getting what I need or want if I am not prepared to take some steps to make connections or take action. I am sad to say that my tendency to cut off to keep myself safe, nursing so much pain and wounds did not help me, it actively harmed me in some ways, but it wasn’t all wrong or bad either.
And I risked this online connection earlier in the year. I trusted him when he said he needed certain things to get off deployment and I would know for sure by now if it was genuine if money I sent got through to him but the bank froze both accounts on us and now that money is in limbo. Money I deposited to make up the balance was then blocked until they could rest assured it wasn’t fraud money but on the phone on Thursday I was mighty angry. If people want to give away their money to scammers isn’t it their responsibility? Its good the banks try to protect us but not all protections serve us well.
Anyway my account isn’t frozen any more and I have to make some decisions because at this point I have said I am sending no more money and that was accepted last night but this morning its been a different story again. Scott claims he is desperate to be with me. But I am not so desperate. I want people to take responsibility for their own shit and this is not to say I don’t help others but where do I draw the line in helping???
Yesterday was a bad trauma zone day again. I only managed to walk Jasper after dinner last night. Thank God for that as I slept reasonably well last night but I am waking early with the light. I am trying my best to attune my body rhythms with nature because all the past pain of aborted love has been there below the surface this week. I was crying to the depths of my being over my powerlessness over certain facts and the deep trauma of emotional wounds yesterday. Today is brighter and I want to get out with Jasper soon. My walks and talks in nature with Jasper are my happiest moments. I told my nephew on Thursday night I am over technological encounters now. I don’t want to cut off from Scott because he seems not to have anyone else if he is genuine and I will never cut any one from my life, even if they are a scammer. I just wont give them any more money is all. I am trying to be there but in a way that honours boundaries. Its something I have always struggled with a lot being empathic and emotionally hungry for connection due to the emptiness of my past emotional neglect history and addiction.