Well I am in yet another deep dark Underworld place today. The call from the bank yesterday busting apart to fantasy many of the things Scott has told me over the past 10 months, the numerous texts with him asking how I can believe the bank over him and denying the fictional Jennifer Richards (is she real or not I have an address for her in rural New South Wales?) was interviewed by the fraud guy from the bank and him saying the bank is both lying to me and ‘pulling my legs” hang on isn’t that meant to be leg? Whenever I would correct some of his spelling (and mine is atrocious on text anyway) he would blame a broken phone. Oh yeah early on I offered to send him a reconditioned phone which I paid 264 dollars for from eBay but ‘never arrived’ even though tracking information showed the time and date of delivery to a certain Angela Matteo in the United State, just one in along line of military ‘agents’ who were recipients of various requested funds sent since June.
I said to my niece in lay yesterday ‘how could I be so stupid’ and this ‘is all down to poor boundaries’ (today) and she said to me “No, Deb you are just hugely emotionally invested in this and he is using this to manipulate you, it is what scammers do.”
Today I cried to the depths of my soul, it wasn’t just the tears for Scott who doesn’t exist and now just seems to be a fantasy, there were tears there for every single broken connection and lost love from my older sister leaving at 3 to Dad to Steve Boyd, Robert Hogan, Jim Royal, Simon Wilding, Greg Quick, my ex husband Jonathan and my last love Phillip Kairys (and curiously this last one broke up at this time of year in 2011 exactly too.) Its all just too spot on for Sun conjunct Pluto and transiting Venus in Sagittarius squaring Chiron in Pisces and Pluto in Virgo. But everyone is telling me now Scott is not real, just created a fantasy so I have to walk away from that fairytale belief now. I know it is far from the end of the world and I am really making an effort to count my blessings today. I am no where near as disconnected as I was even this time last year just after my Mum died.
I have a beautiful dog that I love, I have a blog I am proud of, despite all the pain I have maintained my sobriety one day at a time over the past 25 years and I have lovely family who care for me a lot and have been really trying their best to support me over this time. Its just I feel today SO GODDAM YOUNG INSIDE and memories of my past are all around me. I am back sailing toward that Greek Island where Jim will yet again betray me with another woman then call me crazy for reacting by crying and yelling when I came into the room to see them together. I am back on that dusty road trip that I got dragged alone on by Phil stuck out in the middle of the bush covered with lice bites all over my skin while he left me alone for days on end to go fishing. I am back on the boat with Dad way out past the heads feelings sea sick and wishing to God we could go back into shore and that I was anywhere else. I am back in that car stuck inside pinned by bits of machine with engine pieces inside my legs a cut tongue, bleeding mouth and pierced lung crunched by the steering wheel unable to breathe. And I am back in the womb struggling to be born while Mum is holding me inside while she bottles the last bottle of plum jam.
Past and present, past and present oscillating in and out as I sit typing with my dog snoring quietly beside me.
And part of me still believes that Scott is real. Still believes he will make good on his promise and send the money back while the words of my niece in law ring in my head yes money laundering all part of a massive syndicated scam with world wide connections – make sure you watch Love Bait online. I don’t want to. I don’t want to linger in more stories of scams and scamming
The fraud investigator tried to tell me there are no troops over in Nigeria fighting Boko Haram but I know I read on an army site that a force was deployed there in January last year to help educated and train the Nigerian army which tallies with everything I have been told but sworn to secrecy about. Reality and fantasy they are dancing in my head. And no there is no relief by going to bed!!! Sleep will come and I will awake again with 1,000 volts of startle awakening going through me fighting not to be pinned down again, super intense because I am being held back again from the guy I only believed was my Twin Flame/soul mate. Its crazy but I cant change it so I just have to find a way to embrace it all which as much goddam serenity and gusto and grace as I can manage.