Living with the weight of unexpressed feelings can take such a toll on us and it has been my experience in this life that so few people are able to let me have my true feelings or allow theirs without some form of rationalisation. I just met with a family friend who told me to keep the focus on happy things with my sister’s emotional and mental health struggles. On one level it is good advice but it is also perfectly find to be sad about things as well that truly make us sad. This person was the best friend to my Mum and as soon as we touched on the sadness over Mum’s loss my friend put her glasses on and said “we better get going now as I don’t want to cry.” I can understand, maybe she feels safer crying alone at home, it is just it would have been nice to share the sadness together.
I must be making progress as I don’t get triggered as much any more when I experience this blocking of feeling (and I know its well meant) as every one has their own style of dealing or not dealing with emotions. I ran into two other friends of my mother on Monday at the local book shop and they were happy to let me shed a tear and even put out a comforting hand to touch my shoulder. I didn’t feel like I had leprosy with them.
I see in my own feelings more and more each year with therapy how much feeling had to go under wraps in our family and how little emotions could be expressed or regulated. I am seeing lately to how I get to the point of emotional overload at times and then I just get flooded with a cascade. It is taking time to differentiate the profound mix of feelings that floods me at times like this, part fear, part anticipation, part frustration with some anger and perhaps grief as well as hope that has become buried for the treatment or ability to express everything out in some way so I can at least sort the mix out in my mind. When I cannot do this my body carries the burden and I get a host of psychosomatic symptoms in my gut and chest.
Lately I know the things that help me to e mote get emotional and life energy moving forward. A good breakfast followed by a gentle walk with Jasper, touching base with nature, being able to BE in my body instead of just in my head and mixed up thoughts around how things are. Writing poetry helps as does blogging if I don’t get too mental about it all. When I get stuck in my head a lot of it what I may be making of situations may be assumption or guess work and not always with a very positive tinge or slant. I am also recognising when I may be using thoughts I engage with to DEFEND against deeper feelings.
Emotions are not always clear cut. Sometimes anger is a legitimate sign of protest sometimes it comes out of a lack of acceptance of how powerless I am at the hands of someone’s defences or treatment of me or others. Often under the surface of my anger is a huge amount of grief.
This time of year is filled with a lot of grief for me but its not all bad by any means. There is a profound peace that comes from surrendering to the full grief we feel, it brings a kind of cleansing and sense of alignment with our soul when we can do this. I have cried a lot this week but also felt profoundly connected to my dead relatives and ancestors as well.
I have had one of the most challenging weeks of my life. The bank blocked the money I was trying to send to get Scott home for Christmas and then froze my accounts on Tuesday. Today I had to go into the bank and open a new account. This time a year ago I would have had a melt down over this. The police ended up on the doorstep on Tuesday as I told the bank lady on the phone I was suicidal. The head police officer actually blocked my door and kept it open with his foot. I was terrified they were going to section me. But it all worked out okay. They made me talk to a member of the mental health crisis team and the minute he listened to me calmly and respectfully I was fine. The police and I ended up good friends at the end of it all and I can tell you I was pretty angry with them at first. How dare the bank block something just because a bank manager whose mother has been scammed feared I was being scammed as well? That said I know they are only trying to ‘protect’ me. I just wish they bloody well wouldn’t. I want to take the consequences for my own actions.
Scott and I have been in tears and getting headaches for the past two days. Its calmed down now, I just have to wait for the investigation to be conducted. The money is frozen and a family friend helped me out with some cash as it will be over a week before I get access to another card and can use it.
At this point I am just counting my blessings. No one is dead. I am actually looking forward to Christmas just alone at home peacefully with Jasper. He is my family and that will be enough for me. For whatever reason Scott’s return is being blocked and arguing with God or life over it will do nothing. At this point we are both just having to accept our powerlessness over the banking system and keep praying for true love to win through eventually. I have complete faith that it will.