I needed to re read this today. Being withheld from in key relationships can be agony. Eventually our inner adult needs to show up for our feeling self and hold us, but its so comforting when we can have reciprocal relationships with loved ones. But sadly for many of us those we are around just cannot be emotionally available for us. And that is not our fault (and probably not theirs either!!)
Its really painful when we get emotionally involved with withholding people. There is a core dynamic which I addressed in some past posts on avoidant and anxious attachment where those of us who may have been anxiously attached to a parent due to inconsistent emotional availability become magnets for avoidant attachment types. Avoidants tend to withhold attention, affection, praise or love due to deep wounds and fears. They often talk others down in their minds and thoughts so as to not get too close, because they are unconsciously self protecting.
The other day I opened my daily reader at random to the following page where Tian Dayton, trauma therapist, addresses the issue of withholding. I am subjected to this pattern with several family members and I always end up questioning what I did ‘wrong’ but often my therapist points out that’s my natural conclusion when any response doesn’t come forward…
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Emerging From The Dark Night 
An issue that for me is hard to comprehend, but I do understand that people would have these sorts of feelings.
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Yes, Ivor its hard sometimes to know but the thing with psychological defences is the person often does not even know they are operating. I just think being more aware helps us to suffer a little less and perhaps even have more empathy for those difficult to relate to.
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I suppose I’m openly emotion and empathetic when I’m with a group or even just a friend.
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