Well things have reached a resolution with Scott. Turns out he is genuinely in the military and everything checked out but what he has had to apologise to me for is making me responsible for trying to help him due to his account being frozen due to the fact he was scammed by someone a while ago. I can’t help but feel it’s all been for a reason though, all of the angst and suffering and is highlighting a deeper issue in my life with needing to help and care for others who are in a tough space, I think it may be about my own repressed dependency to be honest when I look at all the astrological stuff over the past months and in our synastry chart comparison.
Its made me think a lot about being a sensitive empath though. Ideally in an aware society we would not be judged for just being our natural emotional sensitive selves as empaths. It would be recognised that our sensitivity is a gift and we would be made aware that not everyone functions the same, is as altruistic and kind and has good motives. As I said I also think with Scott there is has been a fair bit of abandoned child stuff going on between us and we talked it through this morning over text. What is also coming up for me (as I mentioned before) is how much I have had to repress my own dependency needs and I have heard it said that we tend to give what we hoped we would have received from others and may then end up feeling resentful if we don’t also care for ourselves and do the work to pull back projections.
Once again I try to keep supporting my sis through her recent hospitalisation for depression when I can keep my energy balanced. We had a lovely outing to a French café yesterday afternoon and a browse around a local village shopping centre. It went well although the conversation never goes very deep with my sis, I long for that but I know its not where her recovery is taking her so these days I just try to be with her where she is at and that is sad to see as I am seeing the effects of no emotional work and repressed feelings as well as higher levels of drugs than she was on before. It breaks my heart to be honest as I see so much of my older sister in the way she holds her mouth and all the puffiness. I cry silently during the time we are together and then I totally break down after I drop her back and make the 20 minute drive home through bush.
And I am not sure if as an empath I am picking up on her sadness… she can express NO EMOTION AND HER BODY IS DEAD AND BLOCKED AND FROZEN. I see all of this and understand when we don’t use our emotion to e mote it gets stuck. But I am powerless in this situation and I accept no matter what I try to say (and I drop in suggestions as much as I surreptitiously while being careful never to give advice as its not my place.) Its enough just to love and turn up. That is the best thing I can give. I guess this is now a state of loving detachment that I have achieved, rather than a dissociated split off. Her son has been TOO BUSY TO VISIT on the weekends due to ski lodge meetings and landscaping… I don’t understand it but my guess is he doesn’t know how to cope either and its not my place to judge but she could do with a visit she really could. (Work work work and no nuture…… its the sad old neglectful family script!!! And the modern curse!!)
I’ve been diving more into the Christine Northrup book I bought earlier in the year on Empaths called Dodging Emotional Vampires and its well worth a look as it involves a chapter on inner child work to repair earlier wounds or gaps which end up leaving us vulnerable to becoming sponges for others. I also read a few articles on emotional manipulation last night and it shocked me to see that I could be a bit passive aggressive too at times with not being able to ask directly for what I want or need. Anyway when we come from emotional neglect its hard for us to be our true selves and we tend to end up feeling ‘a bother’ or ‘less than’ worth less than our parents attention and time and then its easier to focus on other’s demands, needs and wishes and dreams and get sucked in. Ideally in a mutually supportive relationship both people get to be strong and weak at different times. Growing to psychological maturity means having loving inner parents we can lean on and into as well as being able to extend love, care and empathy when we can to loved ones.
I know when Scott arrives he will be able to pay back the money so that doesn’t bother me as much any more and he has told me he only wants my help if I am willing to give it, otherwise he needs to see this time out. Yesterday I felt he was manipulating me a bit so I stood firm and today he apologised yet again. As my therapist pointed out it all has to do with boundaries but I am a firm believer in the idea that the Universe makes us meet the person we have lessons to learn from at just the right time, and there is too much Higher Power synchronicity with us for it not to be real. So I have finally found my own intuitive truth and I appreciate the iNput of others who have been scared he is a scammer as it is a scammer culture but the truth is NOT EVERYONE IS OUT TO SCAM YOU. I know these concerns come out of love and fear and its only natural. But I am trusting my path is about overcoming some of my fears with Mars Saturn Moon. It may be that I end up saying to Scott I will not help any more and he will be fine with it. I may choose to help. I know whatever happens I wont share too much more about it until we finally get to meet. I need to follow my own intuitive guidance from here on in and keep it a bit schtum with everyone else. Though I am so appreciative for all of the support.
I am trying right now to care and not to care just as T S Eliot prayed in his poem Ashe Wednesday. I can and must care and I always will because I am sensitive and loving but I will sometimes have to let go enough to say that even though I care I cannot do it for another person, for it is their soul task, as mine has been, is to learn to love and care for themselves. That is just a whole lot easier to do when we have some support and ground under our feet in the process, most especially if our background was emotionally neglectful, abusive or repressive.