I have been reading back on some old emails and crying a lot this morning, the Bohemian Rhapsody movie opened up something so deep for me yesterday but it’s not only that that was touching my soul, it’s the entire relational history of my life which seems to be rising up like an ocean wave and washing through my system at present and that’s par on course for Venus is soon to turn direct. We also had the new Moon in Scorpio yesterday and that rules the Underworld Ocean depths. I can’t wait to look into Freddy Mercury’s astrology as I thought the energy he brought to life was so powerful transpersonal and creative, very strong on Uranus and Pluto as well.
Scorpio reflects the ways we dive into old emotional patterns, and allow them to churn up into tidal waves that then release back into calm.
A host of doubts and fears are circling after sending the final money to Scott the other day. I don’t know what to believe any more, either he will be out of there in a week or so or there will be another reason why it is not happening at which point I will just have to let go completely and move on. I know I can be on my own and survive alone, although I know I am by no means an island, no one is, and we need the love of others in our lives. That was really shown in the movie yesterday.
Reading back on emails I was sending to a very close friend back in 2010 just before my ex Phil and I broke up I see how I was struggling with being an empath with a partner who needed certain things I could not give due to my sensitivity. For example when his mother died and he had to travel a long way back for the funeral I decided not to go with him and that hurt him. Practically it was unmanageable due to where we were at travelling at the point and due to his dog Sally who we could not take with us and I just stayed behind a few days to mind her. But it was not an easy decision to say I would not got. In the email was telling my friend that I woke up crying for no reason on the morning of the just before we got the news she had died. Partly I was scared too as when his father died and I cried too much he got upset with me and would not allow me anywhere near his father. It sparked so much of my (at that point) still repressed ad unresolved grief around my own Dad’s death from cancer years before.
We broke up shortly after this and I wish I had understood his feelings more but I also wish he was more capable of empathy. Reading back these emails as well others which concerned an argument I had with an older sober member in AA after we took a trip to a monastery in the country and the site of all her childhood trauma I see how much I carried and expressed collective feelings that tapped into my own then got into trouble for it. She said some very nasty things to me because her own emotions were defended behind a lot of grandiosity and sublimation. It’s hard to explain here. and got upset because I shared some of what happened between us on an astrology website trying to make sense of it. At the end of the email exchange which all occurred around this time of year in 2009 however she did actually ended up apologising to me. Never the less I cried a lot about it today and it felt good to release the sadness and grief, and very spot on with Venus soon to turn direct in the later degree of it own sign, Libra.
As life goes on we have more and more relationship history behind us and we can sometimes forget all the ins and outs of certain dilemmas in relationships but emails and diary entries can be so helpful to read years later so we get more of an idea what was going on between two individuals, both struggling with their own issues. It is in the sign Libra that we become aware of the dilaectic and exchange betweeen two egos and souls. We all have defences, pain and protections that we use to survive and as the movie showed yesterday its only when we can humbly own our part and go cap in hand to friends or partners or family to either say “I am sorry I am really feeling x and struggling this way” and when two or more become willing to listen, understand, empathise or forgive that we make progress taking the time to extend ourselves into the other person’s perspective or reality. God knows life and relationships are never easy but we can make them easier by trying to understand the forces that drive us and others from without and within.