Well each painful step along the way in my relationship with Scott has been a lesson in trust and what I am learning is that I am not a very trusting person where others are concerned. I have a lot of fears and doubts and can be very suspicious and mistrusting at times. I also find it hard to feel that I am loved and valued and cherished even when I am. I am also noticing that when I get fearful I shut down my heart energy.
I have made huge leaps forward with trusting in this relationship and I see when my fear begins to raise its ugly head again. I am just in the middle of a wonderful book which I found at the book fair a few months ago called Life Loves You, it is co written by Louise Hay and Robert Holden and it is so beautiful and heartfelt. I am drawn to the work of Louise Hay lately, I love her idea that all love begins with self love and forgiveness and that we have major healings around guilt., also that all healing lies with our inner child.
I know how much I struggle with feelings of unjustified guilt and not feeling ‘good enough’ and I know its a collective issue too. In the chapter on Forgiving The Past Louse and Robert speak about how we also project guilt onto others and what we forget was that once they were an innocent child, just as we were, a child that probably got hurt by life. They talk of how when children are raised there is often too much emphasis on kids being ‘good’ in order to win approval, attention and love, instead of parents just encouraging the child’s inherent self expression and basic intrinsic goodness.
being good full time is hard work. You have to suppress a lot of feelings. You can’t always speak the truth. Sometimes you have to lie and that feels bad… being good is just an act…. putting on an act is not innocent.. its a calculated attempt to win love and approval… whatever act we choose, it causes us to be estranged from our basic goodness….. without our basic goodness we are lost.
On our healing journey when we chose to love our inner child (as well as that of others) as it really is deep inside choosing to recognise his or her inherent innocence. We no longer continue to project shame and guilt, and we can project this either outwardly or inwardly through the outer or inner critic and we no longer put on an act out of the idea that we are not good enough and must win the love of others.
I love the Oscar Wilde quote “a critic is someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing’, we all have intrinsic value in our inherent beingness not as a result of what we do to please others or social mores. When she passed over to the other side during a near death experience author Anita Morjhani found that only unconditional love exists on the other side and there is no judgement of us at all, only learning from consequences and failures to be true to and love ourselves unconditionally.
I finally went to visit my sister yesterday afternoon too and I am so glad that I did. When I think too much my mind can come up with all kinds of reasons why its too hard to be there for my sister, or I can focus on past things that block the love and healing that wants to flow to my sister. I see I have a lot of fear around her mental illness and I do wish that she looked into alternatives besides drugs to help her mood, but her path is also hers and I only really feel true peace in my own heart when I love her unconditionally and show up to just physically be there. Most of all I feel she just needs my presence as well as my own love as well as healthy detachment from her pain (that said some of our pain is shared in the loss of family members, for example). I notice the change in my body when I do show up and not resist the flow. I sleep much better.
Life is much better for me when I just let my energy flow out as it wants to but what I am seeing is that my mind creates all kinds of barricades. If I had allowed my fearful suspicious self to convince me Scott is a scammer simply because he asked for money I could be crying now. Instead I have decided to trust my heart and my inner child who really loves and connects with the inner child I feel within Scott.
However my fear still raises its head and at times like yesterday when I had a shame attack I project guilt and fear back onto myself as well as feelings of not being ‘good enough’, and then life becomes a kind of prison for me. And I really am very, very tired of living in a prison, especially one that is constructed through my own defective thinking and unhealthy unearned guilt. That said I am seeing too where I tried to ‘be good’ at times, when I just would have been better to be myself.
At least I am noticing this more now. I am going to be taking on board the recommendations in Louise and Robert’s book so that I can begin to trust that there is a force in life that truly loves and wants the best for me. I just need to get out of my own way. It has demonstrated its existence so many times, so why do I need to let fear and doubt and suspicion rule my life as much as they do?
I am not proposing a Pollyanna approach to life as in modern society we do need to keep our wits about us, but with loved ones maybe the world becomes a far happier place when we look to the soul’s inherent innocence and trust the healings that come along the way when we cause ourselves and others pain by not appreciating this inherent kindness of the life force of love and healing force of the inner child that exists in all of us.