Will you notice me?

If I try to be good

If I learn to anticipate all of your needs

Will you notice me?

Mum for me you were the sun

And did you realise

How the light went out when you were not around

I seemed to fall through darkness

As the emptiness grew

And I sought so desperately for a way to fill

The void of hunger deep inside

And despaired so silently

For what could never be

At least not in the way

That would mean the most to me

But now I also see with a  wider view

That maybe it was not easy for you

To bear a child at 36

Who questioned everything

And was so full of life and fire

Unbridled free expression and desires

And so I learned to play small

To button myself all up inside

And hide the things I feared would be too hard for you to know

But forgiveness is coming to me now

As I see more clearly how I tried so hard

To be seen

And got so lost

And maybe now I can finally let go

No longer counting as much of the cost

Of trying so hard

And so longing for a love

That came in a far different form of expression

From what I ever truly understood