I awoke low on tolerance this morning after the months of stress concerned with supporting Scott overseas. I just shot off some messages telling him I am neither an angel or (please forgive this Christian followers), Jesus Christ. For most of my life I have supported ill family members, been there at the bedside when two sisters tried to take their lives, tried to fight with the medical powers for more emotional and empathic understanding as well as insight into the past generational causes of our family trauma but at the moment I am just FUCKING SICK TO DEATH OF IT ALL, the pain, fighting, joylessness, death and trauma I want some Joy Peace and Life!!!
It maybe hard for followers who are not sensitively attuned to understand I pick up remotely every thing that’s happening over where Scott is fighting amidst terrible violence. I have these attacks where the vital fluids of my body are pulled upon and I am down on the floor struggling to breathe. It gets super intense at time and later when I talk to him something has been going on at those times. I get the same messages in my energetic system if someone is trying to get in touch and I had it the day my Mum had had the fall which led to her death in December last year. I alerted the caretaker of her building to go check on her then because I sensed something was up.
I am highly empathic and psychic, and I just wish I had known this all years ago, before I turned to substances to try to cope with things. The other thing that is really bothering me about Scott is how he constantly tries to make me his source of strength. I don’t know if I am being unfair or reactive here but I just want to feel free to stand in my own power. I am happy to share my time with loved ones but I do feel our souls are separate even though on another level we are connected to each other deeply. I don’t really know what happened this morning but I just asked him for space because I just wanted to get on with MY LIFE. I don’t even know if this is selfish but God to this point I have been helping for over four months and I have been happy to do it as long as it comes from me being in a strong position but today I just wanted some happiness, to feel the sun and the wind and to connect to joy and simplicity with my dog Jasper.
Added to this my sister is going into another depressive collapse. She hasn’t been helping herself, she hasn’t been taking action, she is giving her power over to doctors and meds, it just makes me really really sad to know what is happening to her, has been happening to her for over 15 years now. I really wish she would get to some adult child recovery meetings. She told me the other day she cannot even cry. I was trying to remind her that her cycle is to start to go down around late October early November as this is a critical anniversary for all of us, Dad was diagnosed as terminal at this time of year and as I reminded my sister after all the trauma with Judy and Dad she was also he one there at the bedsides of her ex husband’s father and the wife of his brother who ended up dying of cancer after Michael was killed in a motor bike accident after having a drunken argument with my brother in law.
No they know nothing of that, the doctors, she said to me. Yes they know fuck all of the history but they are happy just to prescribe diagnoses and meds without bothering to get the entire story. Sorry that last sentence is a bit unfair on my behalf as at least her latest psyche doctor is finally asking somethings about the family history. Anyway they want to hospitalise her again and she could probably do with the support. I don’t expect you to visit me she said, to which I dumbfoundedly replied but you are my sister, do you just think I am going to abandon you? No way even though her family had a celebration for my grand nephew on Saturday they didn’t care to invite me to, I will try to be there for my sister, but only to a point that is healthy for me. I got off the phone and cried while kneeling on the floor with my forehead on the linoleum on Sunday after I kept it together while she told me of the lovely time they had to which I was not invited. It hurt but in the end I just sucked it up because obviously I was not meant to be there or I would have been invited.
My therapist and I were talking about my anger yesterday when I read her my poem about happiness rising. She said that in alchemy the colour gold that emerges from the nigredo/depression or dark night of the soul has a lot of red in it. Red is the anger. Red is the fighting spirit. I know those who get angry are often seen or labelled as ‘mad’ and maybe this madness is repressed and then the person becomes paralysed or is sidelined as the designated scapegoat by the narcissistically wounded family. I have seen it with two sisters but I will be damned if I let it ever happen to me. My golden sun is MOST DEFINATELY RISING.