The saying from the Hindu sacred text the Bahagavad Gita is much on my mind lately.. it says “you have power over your actions but not the fruit of your actions” and it is so true, there are just so many unseen variables in life.
Getting power over our emotional responses too is a lot of work and the book on calming emotions I have been sharing from lately draws on Dialectical Behavioural Therapy ideas that we have a reasoning mind, a feeling mind and a wise mind. At times we just get triggered by something and probably most especially a something that triggers a frustration, a longing, a deep need that may never have been fully resolved, a deep hurt we may either have buried or be trying to become aware of or explore in emotional recovery and thus an emotional storm of sorts can be triggered. Most often such events can trigger us into flight, fight, freeze or fawn; the later response is something those of us who had to bargain in childhood for love will be very familiar with. In order to get unmet needs met we had to find surreptitious ways to do so.
I remember an old friend of mine in early sobriety saying I could be manipulative. I was a bit shocked but my upbringing did turn me into a people pleaser. I was scared of my own anger as my parents never modelled how to deal with it themselves and I could be sent to my room or called ‘bad’ for simply struggling with young emotions. I also had to gear myself around helping my Mum because she was just simply not there for me emotionally. Her priorities were her shops and then I got what little was left over. So I am a person who will accept a lot from others and not ask for very much and then I give and give and give and in this last encounter with Scott I have sent well over 7 different amounts of money and each time more money is required I am willing to do it so we can meet. Its also interesting that he could ask so much help of someone when I would never dare to do so because I try my best to manage thing alone.
Anyway I don’t want to go into that (the money issue) here as I have to deal with the consequences now and I am not going to beat myself up. I helped out of the goodness of my heart. And the outcome could have gone either way. I am not going to blame myself I am just going to learn actions have consequences and where other people and large institutions like the military are concerned so much is out of my hands. They are not going to let a solider break his contract unless he pays for a replacement because it will leave them weak when things there are getting worse..
Anyway I am not as sad as I was when I first found out on Thursday he would not be arriving on Friday. I just cried a lot that afternoon and was lucky I had therapy soon after I got his message, and then in the middle of the night I was in a rage with the military but that passed too. And as Kat said to me this is very good for me as it is helping me to feel my feelings.
My higher power always takes care of me in sobriety, I know enough to trust that now. And I know WITHOUT ANY DOUBT its up to me to make my life as happy and constructive as I can. I got out and planted some new plants in the garden yesterday and invited a neighbour over for afternoon tea next week. I can only respond to my hurt by feeling it through and not reinforcing it or driving it deeper into myself through blame, self condemnation, judgement of others or resentment. I am also counting the manifold blessings that I do have. I don’t have to choose to continue this relationship. I can reach for something else. I can count my losses and all put it down to experience without making it feel so painful that that pain goes deep inside me and stops me moving forward.
I know others won’t always agree but I do believe we get given what we need for our growth even if we don’t like it, much depends on what we make of it all and how deep we dig for wisdom and healing. It’s like the emotions that we have that we don’t like, the only problem comes when we refuse to feel them and make tough choices because it might cause growing pain. I am seeing much more clearly how in the past I have limited myself through certain choices, through finding it hard to detach emotionally and through taking on pain and burdens of others. But I also know my essential soul nature stays the same, I am sensitive and loving and I feel others pain, because I have known so much of my own and often too don’t know always know exactly what others are struggling with.
Those of us with high consciousness do suffer as we see further and deeper into the human condition and into the pain of patriarchal conditioning that is causing such destruction on this planet. The feminine is trying to make resurgence and sensitive empaths and our healing journey are a huge part of that. We may in the past have been judged for our sensitivity, but in the end it is a gift and we must learn to use our emotions well and not allow ourselves to be used by them or triggered into reactions that are ultimately destructive. The wise mind is always there somewhere watching and trying to teach us better ways to navigate our sensitivities and past hurts. A higher power alway tries to guide us if we are open to feeling everything through and not willing to always stay behind limiting defences.