Beating out of my chest

Well after six months of texting, Scott and I are actually meeting on Friday.  I have been holding my heart as stead as possible today because its been beating out of my chest ever since I got confirmation of his flight details this morning.  One day I am going to try to write a screen play about what we have been through over these past months, trying to get him out of his deployment with all the suspicion from others (which is of course warranted and appreciated as I know it only comes because people who love me and have followed the whole thing have been as scared for me as I have been.)

Anyway I will be able to write more after Friday.  I just am trying to keep myself on level ground for the next few days, as the anticipation is killing me and then tomorrow I am visiting a very dear male friend who is dying in a hospice and it’s the time of year so close to when my Dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer back in 1984.   Can it really be all those years ago that Mum and Dad asked me to come home for dinner and Dad gave me the heartbreaking news?   I remember it as one of the few times I ever saw my Dad cry.  And I cried too as I held him close.  It was the first time I was truly aware of my Dad’s vulnerability.  I was not yet 23.

The coming of Scott as transiting Mars moves onto my Sun Venus Mercury and Jupiter in the seventh house could not be more timely and with Venus in retrograde squaring Mars Saturn Moon no wonder all my fears and defences have been triggered lately.  Its been hard to keep trusting and moving through my fears.  I really thought I had lost him on Friday, though he never said he would end it, only he would try to find a way to get all my money back to me if I was not able to help him with the final amount for his airfare.   I know everyone must think I am crazy but as my therapist has said the whole way through this is about me trusting my instincts rather than allowing others concerns and fears to intervene.

Anyway my man is not out of the woods yet.  I will only be breathing easy when I finally know he has made it to Amsterdam, before the onward flight to Hong Kong and Sydney.  Today is his birthday too…..I hope he doesn’t mind me sharing all this in a blog.  I have never divulged where he has been stationed protecting innocent citizens and I am anxious to learn more about it when we can finally speak face to face because all through the time we have been speaking he wont tell me too much and make my life more anxious.

Anyway keep your fingers crossed for us both please and please keep us in your prayers if you are so inclined.   I wont rest easy until the bus doors open on Friday afternoon and I finally get to meet my dear Scott!!

23 thoughts on “Beating out of my chest

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