I have been thinking a lot about boundaries today as its become apparent to me that healthy boundaries help me feel happy and protect my life energy from others who may want to lay claim to it. I can also see how in the past, my own narcissistic wound made me a bit of a vampire or a puller on other’s energy, not in a totally negative way, what I am getting at is that because I did not feel a great sense of inner love or value or self esteem I could so easily feel that my source for these things needed to lie outside of me. I started to think more about it yesterday after watching two You Tube videos I provided links to. Those of us whose needs were not met in childhood and learned to get attention by pleasing and adapting often suffer from a stunted or collapsed sense of self. We crave that missing love from outside, the wound of which lay in childhood and can never be healed in adult life by another person, (well only by a person who respects our boundaries as unrecovered narcissist will not do.)
I remember reading in Robert Hand’s book Planets in Youth that those of us with Venus (planet of relationships and self value) square to Neptune often give out of a sense that we do not have value and can only acquire it by giving or doing or being what others demand of us. When we give into these demands or requests and allow ourselves to be manipulated by conditional love from another unrecovered person we then grieve inwardly. I learned this lesson on Friday after saying No to a request from Scott and being pushed and then told I was not the true love of his life if I didn’t do it, getting scared then collapsing my boundary when after agreeing to do it, I found myself crying and feeling like I could not breathe. Luckily something intervened which meant I did not end up doing it anyway and I immediately felt better but the feeling of grief I had after collapsing my boundary was a clear sign that what I had done was not healthy and it scared me as in my last relationship my ex was always demanding I do, or be, or feel differently and I would be threatened with the silent treatment often when I would not do it. And this triggered something my parents would do, withdraw love when I wasn’t living up to their demands.
I am glad that I got the lesson again on Friday. Scott had promised if I was not comfortable with doing something he would not push but then went on to push. I stood up to him and was manipulated a bit but now he has apologised and backed down. But the entire incident has made me do a double take on all the boundary events in my life from the past where I have been in hot water and do some inner reflection which is all spot on cue now that retrograde transiting Venus is moving towards the square with my natal Mars Saturn Moon in the sixth house.
The issue with Scott is complex because what he is asking for is just a temporary thing and in the end I will be repaid. But there are other boundary issues with us too. As an empath I am a person who needs a lot of quiet introspective time. Being on my own allows me to return to my source and my True Self, I can be easily overwhelmed in crowds because my energy body picks things up. I get exhausted by to much time in purely ‘human’ or man made environments. I need a daily time of touching base with nature and I don’t know honestly if I will ever be able to live 24/7 with another human being. Scott on the other hand is different in this regard. He says once we are together he wants to be with me 24/7 and just the idea of it makes me hyperventilate. Yesterday the inner critic was giving me a serve after listening to a video on withholding and emotional unavailability. I started to think I am the one who has problems with emotional availability due to the fact I need a lot of quiet time but really today in a clearer space I see it isn’t like that at all. I really can be there emotionally for others I just have to be very careful with what I take on board when I am with others.
I can depend only to a degree on others in my life. I know I must in the words of the 12 step fellowships be self supporting, it doesn’t mean that others cannot ever help me nor I them but it does mean that my source of connection is primarily with my own centre and spiritual source. I know in a deep relationship this separateness is surrendered for moments at a time, say in intense sexual experiences and when we extend our hearts and bodies to feel the suffering of another human being, so at times I do get confused on where I begin and others end and vice versa. Am I being too rigid in expecting my demands for ‘space’ to be understood. I am grateful to have a person around me now who says they will accept this. For so long I have felt I wont ever be able to live with another human being again due to my high sensitivity and empathic nature. I would be interested to hear if and how others struggle with this issue, so if you feel like it, please leave me a comment in the section below.