We must stand alone : reflections on solitude, connection and relationships

No, this isn’t a post about never depending upon another human soul, we were born as social creatures and our very survival depends upon our mother and family meeting our needs in infancy and we all know what can go wrong when these needs are not met.  What I am getting at here is the wounds, or scars or injuries we take into new relationships.  We can have a kind of fantasy which was addressed by Jungian analyst James Hollis in his book The Magical Other. This is the romantic fantasy of a partner who is our ‘soulmate’ who will just turn up and know us as a soul without having to exchange many words, they will instinctively know and sense our wounded or empty or hurting places and be able to respond to and fulfil them completely.  And for sure we may experience meeting someone who can and DOES empathise with us to a degree, it is just my belief that we cannot really look to others to heal those earlier injuries of ours or help us escape from our own encounter with our aloneness.

Today I cried a lot in therapy as this Venus retrograde in Scorpio has been bringing up very clear visual memories of times with boyfriends/lovers past and many of them were painful and today I was telling Kat how dark the period was when I first lost my virginity, not to someone I loved.  Sadly at that point I had already turned to drugs and alcohol to try and deal with the crippling insecurity I had around my self and my body.

I was raised in the Catholic religion which taught me female bodies and sex were somehow perilous or evil in some way (this may not have been direct message but it was the one I absorbed) and remember being crippled with shame and anxiety when my first boyfriend sought a more intense sexual intimacy with me.  I had my car accident shortly after this and then lost my virginity in a very unhappy place which comes with memories of things being oh so dark.  I cried with Kat today as we agreed there are so many things I went through in my years of active addiction I will never be able to forget or change.  In a way they are behind me but it still saddens me I did not lose my virginity in a caring relationship with someone all those years ago.

I know I take these wounds into new relationships and I know the things Scott says to me about how I am his whole reason for living and being isn’t really that healthy.  Surely we have to be able to be a complete person inside before we be a truly healthy partner for others?  I guess I am used to standing alone and coping alone at its what I was forced to do.  Lately I am reaching out for connections from others but its from a far different place than before.  It’s from an older and wiser place.  I know that over the past years of therapy my capacity to support myself and be there for myself in my feelings has grown.  It’s just its also very great to having loving connections with others in my life.  In the past fears have stood in my way of reaching out.  But I also know I cannot look to others to heal my wounds or fill up my empty places.  I know when I demanded this in past relationships things fell apart and others sense it and resent it.   That said wounds can be openly shared.  We can be vulnerable with the right people and receive empathy and support for the pain.  It’s just a matter of seeking the right kind of person.  But there will also be times we don’t get each other and we cannot fulfil requests or demands placed upon us.

Maybe I am considering all of this very strongly because its Libra time astrologically speaking and Venus is aspecting my Saturn Moon by retrograde which is bringing up this self containment issue for me.   Discussing it with Kat today she was saying how in the end its about finding the unique balance  we all need between solitude and our need for connection.  We cannot be solitary all the time and neither can we be connected at all times, both states tend oscillate in our personal and relationship life.  And knowing the limits of what we can ask for and receive is also an ongoing work in progress as is being able to stand alone and be our own best friend and loving parent or witness when necessary.


15 thoughts on “We must stand alone : reflections on solitude, connection and relationships

  1. I’ve realised over the last few years that, whatever connections we make with other people, essentially we walk through life alone. No-one can fully understand us nor we them, no-one can feel as we feel or suffer as we suffer. No-one can be with us 24/7 to protect us from our fears, our imagination, our doubts and no-one can undo the past for us or for themselves. I am not sure if, as individuals, we can ever be ‘complete’ because we are all shaped by our experiences and some of those will be negative but what we can do is ‘accept’ and try not to allow the past to dictate our future. I’ve found that, when I’ve been too tired to fight and just accepted what came my way, life was a lot easier :O)
    Sending hugs my friend xxxx

  2. I feel I have so much I wish to say when I read your posts, there is so very much with which I identify and empathize. So much in fact that to the best of my less than consistently reliable recollection, I end up saying nothing at all.
    But what I wish to say with the greatest consistency, is thank you so very much. In telling your story you often express what I wish I could express in similar language. I feel a tremendous sense of companionship when you relate your experiences. And you fulfill in some measure my need for community, within the context of shared experience.
    Or to put it another way, I don’t feel so alone. And I am grateful. ❤

    1. Aww wow your comment just touches me right in my heart, because today I read your post on the Butcher to my therapist and I cried through a lot of it because in that post you expressed things I feel I could never have communicated in quiet that way.

      I feel exactly the same about you and I am so so grateful to this awesome media of WordPress which connects people like you and I who are walking such similar paths.
      Thank you so much beautiful soul. ❤ ❤

  3. very true there are things with sexual abuse that can NEVER BE FORGOTTEN OR
    FORGIVEN , i was abused sexually .i am disabled .my story is in a Authors book
    very well done for talking about a every day effecting issue,i do a blog

    1. I will check out your writing Mark. A wound like that stays with you for life as it steals your innocence and I don’t think everyone fully understands you never get over it but only if lucky learn to live with it.. which is so painful Thanks so much for reading and commenting. Deborah

  4. All so true. It’s important to have people in our lives who can love, help, and support us, but we need to be able to give ourselves what we need instead of relying on others. There’s only so much people can and “should” do.

  5. i get your blog.i am disabled.i was abused sexually.it helps a lot to have a good cry and a
    Snotty nose .helps me a lot ,people never see the every day effects .i have m.e . i am
    disabled .night mares of the abuse .my story is in a Authors book .i do a blog

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