I really felt something shift last night with the Venus station retrograde. It was few degrees out from my natal Neptune in the third house and I realised today how strong the powerful hold of the past and my sick sibling was over me. Anytime I tried to move forward that pulled me back and its aborted so many attempts at a new start. It has taken me time to see this. I am also not seeing much of anyone at all these days. I am spending the only time with talking to anyone texting someone overseas I have never met. My sister isn’t returning my calls and I can’t help but feel her son who has just moved here has told her not to have anything to do with me. I went around to Mum’s place this afternoon to see if anything more had been done and makes steps to complete and take away anything I could as my sister is obviously not dealing with it. Sadly one of the things left was a huge brown paper bag just full of medications Mum was on in the later years of her life. She never used to take anything but this bag was just chock a block full of drugs. It was really sad to see. You are supposed to take those unused drugs to the pharmacy but I just threw it in the rubbish outside.
Its so sad to me see that at 56 I have still not moved on from my past completely. I know I am ready to do it but I just don’t know what to do to make a brand new start. I have had several really bad attacks today and I know they are telling me if I don’t take steps to move forward and embrace life I am going to go under again. I am not engaging in the world in any way apart from walking my dog and I cant continue to convince myself that is okay for me, the isolation is actually causing my body physical pain now and I am terrified my breast cancer will come back.
And as good as it is to embrace feelings I am coming question the wisdom of reacting from them after buying a copy of the book Calming The Emotional Storm. In it, it explains how if we have extreme reactions to things its important not to be led from there because we can end up doing a lot more harm. It was what was coming up for me last night between the hours of 4 and 6, I saw how my emotional reactions over time have landed me in a lot of hot water and ended up breaking connections with others. I cannot blame them, I do have to take the responsibility for it on board.
Thank God the last attack has ended now. It was one of the most severe I have had in a long time. I was hearing voices telling me to end my life and I was even making the plans for how to buy a generator to hook it up to the car and pump carbon dioxide through it. The problem is that I know I would not be found for a couple of weeks as no one calls. Scott would miss me but he is overseas and could do nothing. Its so sad to thin that I can come to a stage where no one really cares that much whether I live or die. I know they would be upset when I was gone but the point is I would not be found. It makes me cry but it also shows me I have some changes to make, I don’t know how much longer I can go on being so isolated. It really is proving to be hard and I know I am the only one who can takes steps to reach out but the last thing I want to do is pull on others who are just being good citizens and getting on with their life, unlike me who has been hiding out with her dog for years. It really is getting untenable.