I was just reading a post on co-dependency where someone mentioned how they struggle with unearned guilt (and this is one of the signs of adult children of alcoholic or emotionally unavailable parents as well as co-dependency.) I also seem to always run an inner monologue of guilty thoughts and feelings even if in the situation I did the best I knew at the time. The long and short of it all shows me I just never feel good enough and the critic finds it hard to let me go for even a moment. What I have noticed as well is that these guilt and self punishing thoughts can be worse at night when I wake in the middle of the night or first thing before I get out of bed. I go into a tussle with my body then and if I have slept well I get exhausted by pushing and pulling my body around with all the anxiety symptoms.
Last night for some reason it was particularly bad. I am feeling quiet isolated at the moment as the one person who kept in regular touch I had a fight with on Wednesday so Jasper and I are seeing no one apart from my therapist on two days and the occasional person we run into in the park, but maybe its a good thing, maybe because my inner spiritual life is deepening this is just the way it needs to be. To be honest without my blog and the wonderful people on here I do not know where I would be. I don’t do superficial interacting out there in the world too well.
I know if I practice good self care and get exercise and take care of my own life I do feel better. I have been thinking a lot about values lately too because it seems that its only when we live true to our own values instead of following externally prescribed ones that we feel better. If we are out of synch with our inner soul life then (at least for me) I don’t travel as well. I am also learning to try and practice both gratitude (showing contentment for the good things in my life) and learning to remember that its a socially conditioned value that makes us believe we always need to be ‘bettering ourselves’ or that the good things lay out there somewhere in the future instead of right here and now in this precious instant. And when I can practice being in the ‘now’ is when I feel the best. It is when my thoughts and feelings travel back in time to ruminate on all the things that didn’t go or turn out so well or where I caused angst for others that I loved that I get myself into hot water. I had one of those nights last night as its getting closer to the anniversary of Mum’s death and some experiences that took place around the time I broke up with my last abusive partner came to me, and they involved my Mum and I was beating myself up about it all. I actually do wish I had made different and healthier choices around that time so what I am realising is that I have to both own it and pray hard for self forgiveness. Its actually humble and human to be able to admit I make mistakes and am not perfect and that at times things I do hurt other human beings. Its also good to accept that not everyone can meet my needs nor understand my feelings and a lot of my recovery work involves learning what these are so I can take care of them or at least learn healthier ways to communicate them to others.
I was very sad and down yesterday too because my sister again has gone incommunicado. It hurts a lot when I reach out and she doesn’t return calls. Then I end up feeling bad and blaming myself and forgetting the ways in which she has been a less than nurturing sister. Its better for me to face the reality though than try to argue about it or blame her or myself. Blame just functions to deflect the pain I need to accept into my own heart and consciousness in order to be real and true to the less than perfect scheme of life. The truth is not everything that happens is a conspiracy plot against me, its just part of the harsh facts of life.
I’m getting more realistic about my own narcissism in terms of my need to feel seen and loved and cared for. Yes, its lovely if people see, love and care for me but its not a given and the most important thing is to be there for myself in that way so that I can feel full enough then to be able to be there for others.
Anyway, despite the fact the critic was up early again hammering me with a long list of defects and mistakes and trying to sabotage the growing closeness and intimacy between myself and Scott I am in a better place today. I am not going to take too much of it on board. I really need to monitor my thinking to keep it healthy and positive. Its all too easy for me to slide into negativity. A lot depends on the attitude of love and acceptance and good will I show towards my self and others. Its a far happier way to live when I keep a good check on my thinking and just allow feelings of sadness to flow. I am aware there are a lot of them around at this time and its okay to have a good cry when I am feeling sad. It helps me release tension that if I held inside would only lead to me feeling more anxious, stressed and sick.