Well its been another week of torment as far as helping Scott out of his predicament goes. Money I sent two weeks ago never was received. I had a bad reaction when he asked me to trace it and then this afternoon he is asking for more help and I just felt myself to be burning up all week with the fear and apprehension of the entire situation. First sending money to someone I have never met who seems to be real as all the information checks out. Each attack that happens over where he is doing military service checks out on the Wikipedia Terrorist Attacks page and there is a coherence to all the connections we have and the timings.
I just cannot handle very well what all of this is doing to my body. Each time I hear from him its like my energy is burning up and I feel like I want to have one foot out of the door. This afternoon he asked me what is going on as usually after patrol I speak with him for up to one and a half hours. However this morning I didn’t manage to get out with Jasper so I told him I wanted to walk him. He then started on about the money which he promised me he would not do for a few days as I was so stressed out about having to track the last lot. Well it ended up with me getting really angry that he went back on a promise not to discuss it for a few days. Then he said its likely he could die as things are escalating there and that is when I asked for space. Just how responsible will I be if I don’t help and something happens to him.
I am beginning to tell myself I am not a loving person as he tells me if the shoes were reversed he would never be ‘too tired’ and go to any lengths to help. It makes me realise I am always half hearted in love with needing to protect my energy and I wonder I am lying to myself about my sensitivity and am just using it as an easy out. But the truth is I have always tried to be the strong one who helps when I can, if people are in problems however I am getting just so tired of it as my astrology says that I have to beware that I don’t help others out of a lack of self esteem with Venus square to Neptune in my natal chart. It makes sense as transiting Venus is moving towards natal Neptune over the next week or so and I think it goes retrograde soon.
Meanwhile I have been having these huge energy swings with my body along the spine. They hit me at certain times of day as I feel my energy pulled this way or that by some outer demand. It’s got to the point now I am minimal contact with anyone out there in the world and I’m coming to think its not a bad thing as the amount of inner work I’ve done shows I am a container at time for others. Then at other times I get to thinking that kind of thinking is all delusion. It’s also got to the point that I feel someone’s energy in the short time before they try to connect with me too as a kind of pull.
I have read that those of us with Pluto Moon contacts are very psychic and attuned like this. I seem to attract people in trouble or upset. Even at the bank yesterday a woman behind me was upset at waiting in line and she was trying to download it into me because I turned around and picked up a look on her face and expressed concern. Its sad to say this is the sort of thing that I am beginning to be wary of expressing this kind of empathy. Am I supposed to or not supposed to?
Same deal with Scott now. What do I do? Do I let go and leave him to his fate knowing he may potentially die there? I was crying my eyes out before as I was just praying so hard to old HP (Higher Power) asking what to do. The answer I got is that the hardest thing anyone will ever do is leave someone to their fate and not help and that what he had got himself into there is his responsibility. But when I read this back it just sounds so cold and callous and I keep hearing how he has always said that because he loves me wholeheartedly and unconditionally he will go to any lengths to do anything for me no matter how tired he is or what the cost. And then I think I’m just a narcissist. I can only love to a certain degree and not give my all. Is it down to my Jewish blood? These thoughts just cycle and cycle around in my head so I am today externalising in a blog. I am not asking for advice as others cannot know the answer for me, but if you have any similar experience or insights into a similar situation I would be so grateful to learn of it. Please feel free to leave a comment in the section below.
Hope everyone is having a good Wednesday. 🙂