Self nurturing

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I am thinking a lot about self nurturing today.  I actually let myself rest and go back to sleep this morning.  I never stay in bed after I wake up but I had a broken night last night after three nights of sleeping through as I was back at therapy after a week long break yesterday and I had a conversation with my sister which took me into a negative spiral.  So this morning after I woke up at 6 I just thought 5 hours wasn’t enough and let myself settle back to sleep until 9.

I had been reading in Alexander Lowen’s book yesterday about how driven our society is now and I know for myself one of the ingrained symptoms of my emotional neglect is that I don’t let myself rest, I just push myself.  In fact the critic often comes in to kick my butt big time if I try to rest.  I let this conversation rage in my head this morning though because my therapist commented yesterday how I seemed to be making big strides forward in not listening to my inner critic as much and also that I was starting to really let myself grieve and fully feel the pain I have carried inside me for the past 50 years.

I shared my post with her about the termination of pregnancy I had in Switzerland on the first anniversary of my father’s death yesterday.  It was good to be able to share it and cry and really feel all the feelings hidden under the words.  I had written 5 letters to my unborn children years ago when I was not yet engaged in therapy, so I had not really shared them with anyone before.  I was a bit reluctant to share them here as I still fear judgement from Right to Lifers and others.  Anyway I have made a pledge that I will be as honest as I can here even if my posts don’t show me in the most positive light, what else do I truly have to give and share here but honesty?

Today I have just allowed myself a day of rest.  My sister and I decided we would not spend this Tuesday clearing out my Mum’s unit, I think my sister is finding the idea of it and of moving in there too much to be honest and then I noticed I was running a judgement scenario on myself all through my head.  I felt a bit sad to be truthful as on these Tuesdays we spend the day together and have lunch and I spend most of the other time on my own.   I cried a lot this morning as I thought of the love we are missing from the times when our Mum could be loving to us, but there has also been a lot of pain too for me of thinking all the times I needed things I could not ask for because I felt I would not get the empathy understanding or nurturing I needed from my Mum.  She could often be hard and split off.

Anyway I just made myself a really beautiful salad for lunch.  I didn’t think I had anything much to eat but I roasted some pumpkin and then opened a can of chickpeas and steamed some broccoli and corn and I tossed it all together with some home made pesto and cherry tomatoes and pine nuts, it looked so colour full and a lot healthier than anything else I may have got if I went out for lunch.

As I was making it I thought of how important treating ourselves kindly and lovingly and working to meet our needs is if we suffer from childhood emotional neglect or lack of nurture.  So often we learn not to treat ourselves well and the inner critic beats us up, at least mine does.. never really giving me a break. Its so hard to break the hold of that powerful inner voice that only sees what is missing or lacking.  For sure we need a corrective voice if we are engaged in unhealthy activities or thoughts but so often we can just cut ourselves a bit more slack, we don’t have to rush, rush, rush or always work so hard to be noticed or loved or ‘do the right thing’, at least that is how I am feeling lately.  Being a loving mother to myself is so important and allowing myself time to be and relax is also very important due to my background of multigenerational addiction and abandonment.

Published by: emergingfromthedarknight

"The religious naturalist is provisioned with tales of natural emergence that are, to my mind, far more magical than traditional miracles. Emergence is inherent in everything that is alive, allowing our yearning for supernatural miracles to be subsumed by our joy in the countless miracles that surround us." Ursula Goodenough How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture pf Deborah Louise and in any case it would not be the full truth of me. I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to express some of my random experiences, thoughts and feelings, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships. If anything I write touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out and expressung ourselves is hopefully to connect with each other and find where our souls meet.

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6 thoughts on “Self nurturing”

  1. I resonate with this so much in the sense of not allowing myself rest. As you said, societal pressures and expectations create a lot of pressure to be on the move. Your statement, “In fact the critic often comes in to kick my butt big time if I try to rest” is what really connected with me because I understand this all too well. I am also learning to slowly allow myself time to rest. I am learning that you can still accomplish big things at your own pace. Posts like these are beautiful reminders that we are all in this together. PS: That lunch sounds so amazing! I am glad you took the time to nourish your being today! Blessings!

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