At my wits end

I had the most intense day today.  I could not explain in words where I went and how my body was affected but I have just been crying to the depths of my soul today.  I thought my body could never contain the amount of tears shed, it truly was like a damn bursting through and I was spun all around the axis of my spine and what really triggered it around 3 was that I found out from Scott that the situation where they are is intensifying and they are going to be spending whole nights in the forest.

I just felt so flooded and as if I could not cope after learning of this.   I know I had a stress cascade as everything in me just wants to push away from this relationship, the fear is so great and I noticed a while ago that the Moon will join Pluto early tomorrow morning here in Oz and all I could see surrounding me was death and all the images of trauma, injury, accident and loss from the past.  Then I was blaming myself, the inner voice was saying that instead of looking to connect with someone online just four months out from my Mum’s death I should have been grieving her, that I attracted this very Plutonian relationship with a person who is facing death every day because I didn’t and now I have to face the full onslaught of grief over the possibility of losing another person I care about.  I was literally down on my knees and praying so hard to my parents, godparents and sis in the other word for help and I know after I pray to them and the flood abates I start to feel a bit better, it’s just things get so magnified in my life and I experience an intensity that I know others don’t around certain triggers.  Walking really is the best medicine too although I was crying the whole time today.

As I said in an earlier post, earlier today, I just let myself rest today and give into my feelings totally.  I found myself crying from a very deep pit and the cry was “why does everyone leave me, don’t I matter, don’t they care”.  This goes back to my sister leaving me at 3 when she left the country after getting married and I usually don’t have a lot of memories of it but on the way to therapy yesterday I passed the hotel where she had her wedding reception back in 1965 and suddenly I was there as a young child and I saw how lost I was in a sea of older people with no one my own age there.  Of course you are probably thinking “well that was years ago” and it was but the point is that sometimes that lostness is there still and I find myself looking for a way or people out there who seem so often to have their faces turned in a different direction or to be miles off my level.  I am not explaining it well and anyway emotions are neither reasonable nor totally explicable by reason.

I was so very tempted to give up on the entire relationship with Scott this afternoon.  I just feel I have given as much as I can.  This money situation first started at the end of May and its nearly the end of September now and there have been about 8 different transactions with about 5 problems.  The last money sent hasn’t turned up and I probably should not have sent any to rescue anyone, I just said to him this afternoon that it’s his fate whatever he is facing ther.  It’s not mine to take on board but for most of my life it has been next to impossible for me to make this separation between what is your responsibility and what is mine and I honestly helped because he wanted to be with me and I with him but the fates seem to have intervened and blocked it every single turn and I am sick to death of fighting fate.  Are we really meant to even be together yet or is this one of those Twin Flame relationships which is just forcing me to face all my other emotional backlog or baggage?   (probably the later!)

I just walked the entire oval crying with Jasper and I know I must let go.  I really wanted to go to an AA meeting this afternoon but I was just too tired.  Its always good to cry though.  I know a good cry helps me to release things and this afternoon I feel a lot better but one thing became clear to me as I walked the oval this afternoon. I want to live in life and not death from now on.  I am sick of war, sick of fighting, sick of trauma.  It has dogged me for most of my life and I want to leave the past in the past. I truly want to let go of my pain because there isn’t life in it, only in feeling it through, learning lessons, shedding and releasing it.

With my Pluto Moon I often see threat everywhere.  There can be suspicion and mistrust.  I can turn things dark by projecting the past, but maybe now life wants to give me something brighter.  Maybe now I actually really want to live something brighter.  I am ready for a new start and I know it rests on me because I am the only one who can direct my life.  Of course I would love to share it with someone.  I hoped to share it with Scott.  Who knows if it wont happen when this deployment is over if he doesn’t get killed in the forest first.  But I cannot even afford to worry about that.  I just have to live in the present, it really is the only place of reality and peace for me.  This is what this afternoon’s water shed has shown me.  This is the deepest truth I know in my heart and soul this afternoon.