Well I had a mixed up morning as Monday is my therapy session and its at 11 am and its a work of effort to get there at that time and get everything at home organised and today I went out to start the car at 10.20 am only to find I had a flat battery. I immediately started to panic and run through my options… get a taxi (I didn’t have enough cash on me) so I just called Katina and said its highly likely I wont get there which was stressing me as so much had happened over the four days since my last session. I rang the road side assist and they told me its a 2 hour wait so I did my serenity prayer and to contain my anxiety decided to walk to the local shops and get a coffee and come back with it.
Then I logged onto my blog to find so much love and support on here from my highly valued followers including beautiful comments from new ones. I had just texted my therapist to tell her how my body was hurting at being stuck unable to get to her and then when I got onto my blog my body felt right again. I felt connected again at the deepest level which may seem strange as its only a screen but the deeper connection was there. So once again to those followers who read and are brave enough to comment, THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH…….I APPRECIATE YOU SO MUCH…. HERE IS THE PLACE I FEEL SO AT HOME AND I HAVE YOU TO THANK FOR IT YOUR LOVE AND SUPPORT HELPS TO CONTAIN AND AFFIRM ME WHEN OTHER SOURCES FALL AWAY.
On WordPress I can just pour out my thoughts and feelings and my heart. It has sustained me through some very tough suicidal times where my thoughts and others reactions felt as though they wanted to completely undo me. I had a big falling out with close friends when I first moved back to my home down because of my need for introversion necessary to my emotional recovery from addiction and emotional neglect. I was subjected to judgement for ‘being too angry’ when I was legitimately responding to harshness and a lack of empathy in some of their comments towards others which I stood up against. I was then sidelined for getting angry and excluded from events which really hurt me but was probably for the best since being asked used to set up anxiety.
Same thing at my Al Anon group just prior to my diagnosis with breast cancer in January 2016. I got in trouble there for swearing and for telling a woman she had no right to tell another member she could not share painful feelings about her mother. I was in trouble there too so I withdrew completely. But I know my anger was legitimate and it had a reason. Unfortunately the way I expressed it would alienate a lot of people. Luckily I then finally changed therapists having had unsuccessful attempts with three others over 2011 – 2016.
At the moment I am back to reading one of my favourite female therapist authors, Jungian analyst Marion Woodman (who recently died) and she speaks of how the recovery process is about embodying spirit in matter. For most of us our spirit and lively energy is in our anger and our tears which are a response to the way our spirits or soul energy may have been blocked growing up in a world where we had to repress huge parts of who we were to fit into social systems or families. Marion claims that the repressed energy goes deep into our body tissue until it can find a way out and most of her work is with those who were abused or subject to families in which an addiction to perfection substituted for legitimate full bodied relating and nurturing. Indeed one of the books I read in early recovery that most spoke to me in the mid 1990`s was called just this Addiction To Perfection and when I read it the lights came on for me. It was in the following years I sought my own Jungian therapist.
Marion brings the body and spirit into her work with those suffering from sexual abuse and other kinds of invalidation abuse. The pain that happens to us occurs in our bodies and deep souls. We need to bring it to awareness and find ways to spit it out. The following excerpt from one of her books Dancing in the Flames : The Dark Goddess in the Transformation of Consciousness speaks to this. It concerns therapy with a client who was abused in childhood and only remembers it when she begins to gag in therapy.
Red flames of rage can emanate from (the person’s body) when victims realise what has been done to them. The release of the rage is necessary, for only then can its repressed power be transformed into creativity. Patriarchy fears this potential for power and tries to suppress it. “Nice people don’t get angry!” The second chakra (in the lower belly) is related to the sixth (our throat chakra), that is, to creative expression. It is the generative power of the embodied spirit.
Anna has been working on her rage, now (she) is ready for the creation of something new. .. the new life that is beginning to grow in her, with its need to be nurtured and protected. These are the tender shoots of her own unique truth, the beginning of her soul energy that, with care, will eventually blossom into a consciousness that is capable of standing firm in the love of self and others. This new life she must protect fiercely against the systems and injunctions that would try to persuade her that her own feelings and perceptions are false.
Finding and holding onto our own truth that we may have had to repress or deny to be or
make nice can be so damaging for us. Our deepest truth and pain may not be pretty but it is often the most authentic or legitimate part of us. So many of us diagnosed as mentally ill are only affected mentally because emotional and body truths have been denied. We need very real places to be and express the wholeness of our authentic selves. I know how much I have been shut down at times by others especially family members who did not understand and could not validate my anger and sadness. Therapy with a good therapist has been essential but also has this blog, for although at times I even struggle here not to negate my deepest truth out of fear of being so darkly authentic at times, when I am real here most of the time I am validated and people resonate with what I write. This is so essential for me, especially on a day like today when I could not make it to therapy…..
Well its 12.10 now and I have a new battery in my car. I had a lovely chat to my Roadside Assist guy whose name was Todd. Todd and I chatted about a lot of things and my breast cancer came up… its a long story as to why but I wont share it here and now only say I love these authentic interactions with people and I also love how something going wrong with my day can turn into something right when I don’t allow myself to get too stressed or fight the flow of events, even those that seem sent to block me.